Staying Afloat

I am very focused on letting the right things in, and leaving the wrong things out. I developed this focus not only because of harmful past experiences, but also because the new life in which I am living now, consists of love. Love is something that I had never really understood or accepted as I was growing up. Within this new personal focus; this love of God through Jesus Christ, this love of family, this love of really accepting myself, and the love of really living and taking each day exactly as it is whether painful or absolutely beautiful, is an experience worthy of keeping at the forefront of my very existence.
It has become imperative for me to keep the “right things”, or the things that fit my personal definition of right, within close proximity. If I fail to do so, the wrong things begin to creep in, and the old pattern of the “wrong things” begin to take root. Being rooted in what I know as right has really been a struggle in certain areas lately. There are very deep, personal relationship issues that I am having with my mother and father right now that are really making an impact on my personal relationship with the Lord. The choices that they make are really putting me in a place that is taking me away from everything that I know to be true about His love, and pulling me out into an emotion-filled sea of anguish. I am spending more time in the thoughts of anger towards them both. I know that it is not what the Lord wants. Even though I know that the choices that they have made and are currently choosing are out of my control, the consequences of their actions are still playing a part in my life. They are my parents, you know what I mean? The lack of love that I was talking about when I was younger, had a lot to do with my parents not knowing much about love themselves. There are more problems now because I have seen a new side of love through the Lord, and they don’t seem to find refuge in Him. At least, it seems? The series of events within the last several months have really revealed how the world and the things of it have consumed them both to the point of driving them far out into the same sea of anguish that I too have been swimming in. Is it because I am choosing to be caught in their strong undercurrent, and letting myself be pulled out with them? This devastating storm that is going on is really hard to swallow. That love that I needed from them as a kid, young man and now, is not there. It just isn’t there.
It is taking a lot out of me to accept that the ways in which they choose to be, have nothing to do with me. It is taking a lot out of me to understand that the Lord’s ways are not like my own, and the way that I understand this life is not of the same understanding as the Lord’s. Isaiah 55:8-9 has a lot of insight on my personal matter this morning. Even though I am going through yet another trying time, my faith will not waver! I freely accept that the emotions of my flesh will always be there, and the painful experiences will always take hold of them at different angles and degrees. I also freely accept these emotions in love, as well as the love that runs deeper than emotion. The love of God. That love is not an emotion, for God is pure love. He is the love that made me, guides my steps, guards my heart and knew way before I became flesh, what would happen in my life, the choices that would be made within my free-will, and the results. He knows what I am feeling. He knows that I am trying. He knows that I am a forgiving man, but He also knows that I love myself and my family, and will not let the poor choices of others harm us. He knows that I am torn within this mess of fallen flesh, and that my pride of wanting control over the choices that my parents are making is destroying me. He also is going to fix this, in His time and in His way.
Within my flesh are many battles. Those, “right things”, that I choose to hold close, are always going to be interrupted by sin. The sinful flesh. The sinful ways of others. The sinful residuals of my ways of thinking, and the emotion attached those thoughts. But, I rest assured that the work of Jesus Christ has given me eternal peace, and that this little bump in the road will someday pass. I am just observing it all, and trying my best to not let the emotions run my life, and let His love remain. I just have to pray, and have faith. The “wrong things” will always keep pulling me out to that sea of anguish, but I am tethered back at land by an unbreakable lifeline. He is that lifeline. His love will always pull me back to His peaceful shore.

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