The Mysterious Trail Of Thoughts

There are days where I am so deep in thought. It seems to be a thing I’ve carried as I walk along the roads of my journey. In past times, I would periodically sit in the woods for hours, just thinking. Thinking about the life I was living, and how empty it really was. I would think about all of the ugliness within it. I was in toxic relationships, around harmful people, being controlled by the environment I was forced to keep going back to, and really didn’t see what I needed to do in order to move forward. Forward, away from what was causing me to run away to a secluded place.
What was I doing out there? I really don’t know? Was I taking my problems to a naturally beautiful place, and just breathing in the peace of the wooded areas, as those problems sat beside me? Was I running from demons, while inhaling my demon smoke? Was I caught within the devil’s snares, as the great creator of my world was just out of reach, awaiting my foreseen choice to break loose? Was I just empty? Maybe I was trying to obtain the love of Christ with the things of the world? I was always putting the little idols on high, to be admired. Nice cars, a sarcastic attitude, cannabis culture, fine liquor, music, my precious money. Throwing temporary pleasures into a bottomless pit that should have been plugged by God almighty. My might was far more important, and it continuously sent me back out into the wooded areas. Sitting. Thinking. Wondering. Wandering.
I am thinking deeply today about why I did all of those things in years passed. Was it His grace, or sanctification? Was it the great void that needed to be patched, in His way? I don’t know? Maybe it was a part of my journey that I needed in order to look back and see my progress? The process, that takes time. In His time. Maybe my pride needed to be filed down? The rough edge of it would snag on the fabrics of the life I had chosen, many times over.
I don’t know why, and I don’t really need to have an answer. But, I still wonder at times? I get into a deep thought, and stare off into a fixed point, drowning out time and space. Taking a hard look at those memories and experiences that are planted within my memory. Journeying through myself. Taking a look at the man who sometimes thinks too deeply. A blessing, and a curse.

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