Throughout the past several months, I have been running the gauntlet of emotional turmoil. There is a battle that has been brewing between myself and my parent. We have not been able to communicate, have become very distant because of events that have taken place, and we are about to meet with a therapist to begin the healing process. Unfortunately, I am not ready to start the journey at the present time.
There are so many emotions attached to my reluctance. It has been a very discomforting time in my life as the months have passed by. The very thought of some of the details makes me cringe with disgust. The subtle anger and sadness periodically comes and goes as I start to think about what has happened. But, I have made an appointment, and we are going to start. It has to begin.
When I was younger, there were so many issues that kept my emotions tumbling. My broken home, the lack of a nurturing family structure, the great void which was not yet filled by the Lord. A lot of things that a young person needs. There was always a more important thing at hand when it came to my parent’s decisions. I was just kind of off to the side, going through battles of my own. Unfortunately, those battles within me were a direct result of what my parents were doing. I was always caught up in the middle of their dysfunction. There were certain things that I needed to learn, experience, develop in, and be protected from. Even though I know that my parents did the best that they could, it still wasn’t good for me.
As I am awaiting the first meeting with a seasoned therapist, I am really not ready to lay out some of the things that are on my heart and mind. It is going to be a process, to say the least. It is a difficult thing to look back at some of the things that have happened very recently, and to look at the unhealthy patterns that have always been a part of my parent. You see, I know a lot about the destructive patterns because I’ve already looked at the same patterns within myself and have diligently worked through them with many professionals. It is not going to be fun as I hear the therapist tell my hard-headed parent about these same patterns. Oh well, I have to attend.
I really have to attend because the Lord has put it on my heart. I don’t like to feel these emotions within. I also know that the painful memories have to be discussed, released and mending them has to begin. We both have to do this in order to be at a better position within ourselves, as well as within our relationship. We both have our own relationship with the Lord, and we can mutually agree that it is what He wants. He wants us to work towards being at peace.
There is so much involved. Neither one of us are saints when it comes to biting our tongues, but there is a mandatory structure within a therapist’s environment. We will be able to talk, and will not be able to let strong emotions flare up as we work through our huge mess. Neither one of us are going to be able to handle some of the things that will be discussed, so I find comfort in the ground rules of the sessions. I also find great comfort in the mediation that will be present.
For a good while, these emotions were ruling my every move. They were playing a big part in the way I was interacting with my own family. But, that has changed. I stayed away from my parent for a few months, and put myself back on track. I just have to take this current strength into the sessions to come. I will not bring it home. I’ve already made that final decision. I will trust that God will get me through it. If you pray, will you please pray for me? Pray for us? I don’t know where I will end up after these upcoming events take place, but I do know that His guidance will prevail. The path is His, but the events have covered it. It’s time to start clearing it. My faith is of the utmost importance, and it will be the foundation as I start the process.