Many things enter my mind that I not only make a mental note of, but also enter into the memo app on my phone. They are things of importance that I know will be forgotten within a short amount of time. Periodically, I go into my memo and take a look at my short thoughts from the past.
I’ve read one of my notes today from a few weeks back. It says, “Lack of safety in my childhood has stimulated a need for safety in adulthood.” I cannot even remember why or how this thought entered my mind, but at the time it had made a lot of sense to me. The lack of safety in my childhood; the constant trauma that I was experiencing at home because of my parents’ unbeknown negligence. A need for safety in adulthood; skepticism, guarded steps that are taken throughout my journey, a progressive gaining of trust for those I associate with and the tendency to avoid certain situations and people. It is bewildering to think about how the lack of safety in my youth has led to a great amount of need for safety in my adult life. At times, it is not something that I enjoy. I have a difficult time letting people into my limited and very small circle. I sometimes walk away from great opportunities, simply because I anticipate more hurt in the long run. Hurt; something I intentionally avoid because of the tattered past.
As I go, I have learned that this safety issue is okay. I fully give my trust to the Lord, and I fully rely on His provision and signals in my personal life to lead me in a direction that will bring me into His peace. I see the work that is taking place within my heart that is consistently showing me that I am already safe, and these decisions that I make in my guarded state always bring a greater good. I am a great observer of self, so I clearly see the progress taking place within His divine process, leading me through His will, through my choices. I trust in Him. His timing always has a way of teaching me what needs to be known in order to stay at peace. I am continuously strengthened within this struggle with safety.
The sin that is so instilled within us all tries so desperately to fight against us. Wouldn’t you agree? The very real devil is always trying to take me into places of uneasiness, within. It is a battle to show myself and others grace, as the Lord shows me. This safety battle that is always warring within, pushes and pulls, teaches and confuses, brings me down and then pushes me into His loving arms of strength. A battle within a real man of fallen flesh. But like I have said, it’s okay. I know that I will forever be with Him, and He with me. We will fight the good fight together.
Psalm 91:1-2 ESV
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”