Just to clarify, I’m not talking about sitting on the floor, legs crossed with index fingers and thumbs together. I’m speaking of meditating on His Word. Today, I would like to talk about my personal experience with meditation.
There was a very painful time in my life that involved my wife and children leaving our home. Several years ago, my mind was comparable to a batch of raw scrambled eggs. I was dealing with self-induced withdrawal from legal and illegal drugs, in the throes of a broken relationship with my entire family, dealing with an abusive church and really upset over the decision my wife had made to leave. I was on the verge of a total meltdown. I wish that I could say suicide was not an option, but I’m trying to be transparent. There was so much going on within me. My emotions were controlling my every move and my fears were rampantly convincing me of complete hopelessness. There was absolutely nothing, even God, could do to help me at times.
So much time alone. I would go to work, but the nights were long. I couldn’t sleep. My constant rapid heartbeat was the focus throughout the long nights, accompanied by the constant unanswered questions I had. I didn’t understand what was going on. I needed solace, but had no idea how to go about finding it. My prayers were shallow. My mental state was, like I had said, comparable to scrambled eggs, and I found myself crying throughout the entire day. I really loved my wife, and I couldn’t understand how she could do that to me?! Just leave?
Little did I know about the series of events that would soon take place. If it wasn’t for her leaving, I wouldn’t be happily married and in a good place today.
Man, those days really hurt. They hurt so badly that I had a breakdown at work in front of three of my colleagues. They were very concerned, and I respect them deeply for that. One had asked what they could do to help, so I reluctantly asked that they take me to a mental health facility. I spent nearly three weeks in outpatient therapy, and it helped me tremendously. My drive to get better was imperative. My determination to get my head back together was of the utmost importance. I had a job to do. I had to be a husband and a father. I had to regain control over my life. Within that control, I learned that not only was I displaying an unhealthy definition of control, but I wanted something the Lord wouldn’t allow at the time. My control issues over my family; the demands of the brainwashing church we were attending, my lack of His truths, the lies that the pastor was teaching, my lack of understanding what was going on within my brain, my lack of empathy for my hurting wife and the failure to see that the Lord had a better plan for all of us, played a part in the shambles my life had become. I’m so very glad it all went down the way it had!
I received help. Not only did the Lord place me in the right facilities, He also placed me within direct contact with His truth. His Word. His Holy Spirit. His grace. His peace. His comfort.
During my time of restitution, I was still spending a lot of time alone. My head was becoming clearer. My schedule was also changing. I was able to sleep at night and began to rise at a much earlier time. That time is when I began to meditate on many things. I would read His Word, study the meaning of the life that He was placing before me through His words and really cleaning up the mental mess through many different changes. I went all in when it came to being determined to let the Lord have His way, in His time, in His love. One of the unhealthy ways I was constantly caught up in was trying to be perfect and making everyone else be perfect. It’s a trait I have lost since those days of studying without a damning preacher pushing his own agenda for personal gain. I read many different views, talked with many people and concluded what I continue to live within today. Legalism, perfection and bad religion ruins the loving relationship with the Lord. Reverence and honor is key to the relationship with our Creator, ourselves and others. I fully began to grasp that, and continuing in those very things has brought me to this blog. It is those things, through the start of those early morning meditations that keep me within His will and grace.
My wife and I are so blessed. We made it, and we are going strong. Praise God! It is He who has calmed the storm. It is He who comforted me, and continues to daily. I wake early in the morning and do the same meditation, with slight variations throughout each. I place my first thoughts on He who has won the hardest battles within my life. There is no question that He is always with me and showing me what I need to know. It took me a great while to shut up and listen, but my ears and eyes are now open.
My prayer this morning is that we all learn to be still, and listen. May we all find a time to meditate. To pray to our Lord for guidance. To show us the way to remain in Him. If you have or are struggling to find solace, lean on Him. He loves you so much, and He may very well place you within difficult times in order to bring you to something much greater. Please remember that He is greater, and His timing and ways are not like ours. Have faith in Him through all of it. His love is what we should remain in throughout each season of our lives.