At one time within my personal life, lies were just another part of who I was. It was not a big deal to lie to my parents. It was no problem to lie to cover up something that I was doing which directly broke a rule, a law or a moral standard. If I could get away with lying and pulling through with no consequence, then I had worked the system successfully.
Fortunately, I had many experiences throughout my younger years which set me on a course to being honest. Not only with others, but also with myself.
There were so many ways I would lie. I’d lie to my employers and family about my lifestyle, only showing and telling the good parts. Hiding the substance abuse. Hiding the sin. I’d lie about my accomplishments. My lies were intertwined with everyday small talk with friends. When I was an early teen, I had believed that if I did not make a fish story out of a conversation, people would find me boring or of no use. Inadequate. My lack of self-confidence of those younger years had a great deal of influence when it came to being truthful. Growing older, those habits of lying and manipulation were easily carried along.
I cannot stand being lied to. But honestly, I still lie.
I’m not talking about a blatant lie. One which covers up the truth in order for me to cover my rear because of something I had done wrong. Not a fabricated lie intertwined with a conversation to make it interesting. Not the types of lies of earlier years. Now there are things, mainly that I tell myself, that are simply not true.
Currently, I am in the throes of a relationship with two loved ones. There are times and instances when I sit and blame myself for the reasons why they are the way that they are. Vindictive. Deceitful. Unloving and truly not honest with themselves, or me. But those times when I think about the should haves, could haves and what ifs, I blame myself for the end results of our partings. I was driving home from work yesterday. I found myself going over the many instances with both of these family members. Thinking about the truth of it all. It hit me: I am not being honest with myself. Period. I am wrong in thinking that their choices are my fault. I am lying to myself thinking that I have to continue to be destroyed at the hand of someone else. I am completely lying to myself when I believe that I must continue to subject myself to their personal mischief. It is completely their choice to be who they are. It is completely mine to choose who I am. Another thing that I had realized is when I am involved in their disorder, it completely disrupts my intent. There are multiple safeguards which are executed within my life that are absolutely necessary. I do my very best to align myself with my faith. I allow the Lord to work within my stubborn flesh, and I have a desire to love in a way that is pleasing to Him. When I am constantly tangled with their sinful lifestyle that leaves me void of my true character and values, I have to remove myself. There are other people in my life who rely on me and rely on my willingness to remain in His care. Without the Lord, I tend to be just like those two people. Without the boundaries, I will fall away from my true nature in Him.
People can lie to other people, but they cannot lie to God. An omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient God is inescapable. The Lord knows my heart, my ways, my struggle and my intentions. He also knows theirs. That’s no lie.
These lies that I have been telling myself about the true nature of all involved in the merry-go-round of the family feud are whittling away at my joy and peace. I will no longer fool myself. I will no longer let the emotions rule my true self. The flesh has been crucified with Him, so I must let Him live in me and through me. This constant attack of the adversary in me and the other two, WILL end. I have complete faith in His providence, His timing and His will. I’m not going to sit around and let my emotions rule over His truth.
People are liars. In one way or another, we all are. We are constantly under attack in this fallen world. All hearts are born into a separation from God. What we choose to do with His Son is detrimental to our relationships, our core and our mind. I will just continue to pray for both of my loved ones, and lean into the Lord. I have to stop lying and letting the devil whisper his lies into my ear.