I write with a very heavy heart this morning. Monday morning, my father passed. It has taken a few days for me to really sort through all of the emotions, and today I am writing about some of the many thoughts I have had. If you grew up in a home that was full of torture as I did, then I pray that this post brings you some sort of peace.
My parents were, and I say this with as much kindness I can currently muster, messed up. I cannot begin to tell you just how messed up they truly were. I would like to talk about the things I have been dealing with throughout the last few days.
If you have read my posts, then you have seen just how much of an impact both of my parents have made within my life. Past life, and present. My aunt, dad’s sister, has been the one communicating my dad’s slow decline since his heart surgery well over a year ago. My dad was a heavy smoker for the majority of his life and the smoke destroyed his lungs and heart. He had major heart surgery, and ever since then he’d refused to take care of himself. From what I understand, he refused to do his breathing treatments or take his medications properly. My dad ended up in the hospital on a ventilator, which was doing little because his lungs were already completely destroyed. My aunt had recently told me that he had pneumonia for weeks before he went to the hospital, but by then it was too late. Sunday night, he was moved to hospice. Monday morning, a little after 2, he passed.
My emotions have been all over the place. The regrets of not doing this or that before he passed are not there as they are for many who’ve had rocky relationships with loved ones. No, I did what was necessary at the time to protect myself from the harm that he caused, and the harm I would have returned. Anytime I would try to deal with the dysfunction of his nature, I too would become like him. Bitter. Nervous. Angry. Absolutely enraged at times. We had to leave each other alone. I was the one who decided enough was enough several years ago and called it quits with my dad. It was destroying me and my own family. The rehashing of the past was always brought up. The more we would talk, the worse it would become. Both of us had plenty to say about the yesterdays. But these emotions: sadness, emptiness, anger, the dread of getting together with my dad’s family during the viewing and funeral, the hollow feeling I have from the life that destroyed me at the hands of my parents, the flood of near hate I currently have towards my mother after hearing her selfish comment right after calling me the other night as she found out about my dad’s passing. All of these things within me are leaving me drained at the end of the current days.
I believe it would be much easier, all of this, if my mother wasn’t involved. We had a recent falling-out, and she refuses to change her destructive, shallow, self-centered ways. She said something to me that was completely unnecessary when she called, right after my father had died. It cut me to the bone. If I were to tell her that she said it, she would probably deny it. Who knows, she is so unpredictable and has amnesia when it is convenient. On top of it, she invited herself to the viewing. I don’t trust that her presence will go over well.
At her ex-husband’s viewing? Ex husband of thirty-plus years? They hated each other.
I don’t get it, but I will avoid her. I can’t help but think that she has a plan of some sort, and not a good one. I need prayer for that alone.
My family is completely dysfunctional. It always has been. Both my parents exposed me to things as I was growing up that should never be presented to a kid. Ever. Or anyone of any age, for that matter. Up until my dad’s death, I have been told that he was still an ass, and that he was as stubborn as they come. I know first hand how my mother still is.
I write for two reasons this morning. One being for those whom also have the dysfunctional family. Two, for prayer request.
My advice may not mean much, but my experience with a dysfunctional family has set me on a damaged path that only myself and God know. I read all of these posts about being perfect, holy, without sin, the work that I must put in so I will be saved, the judgmental world that looks at me and says, “according to God” I am a failure. To all of those perfect people I say this: I am made perfect by Christ alone. I truly trust in Him and His final sacrifice. Your belief about the loving God that I know is not my belief. My belief is that I am already made perfect by Him. I have been beaten, broken, belittled, not loved, an angry and bitter man, a man who could have died by overdose, a man who sat with a gun at his side and could have pulled the trigger, a felon never convicted, a sinner and a very destructive man. My Lord, my loving Lord, has saved me from all of it. He knows my story, and He has shown me just how forgiven I truly am as He continuously points to His Son that was crucified on that hill. If I had to work towards a place in His kingdom, then I’ve failed many times over. Unfortunately, so have you.
If you have a dysfunctional family, and if you struggle like I do, place your trust in Jesus alone, and walk with Him. He can save you from this awful, sinful world. He can comfort you through the uneasiness. The pain. The fight and the failure. He can strengthen you through the boundaries you must place in order for the peace to be kept. He can comfort you through the emotions that we will inevitably have as humans, and He will see that your heart is healed. We just have to trust in Him. Have complete faith in His providence.
My mother and father claimed to be Christians, and I say ‘claimed’ because I didn’t know my father that well, and as of right now, I may not speak to my mother anymore. I didn’t know my dad’s true heart, and I question my mother’s a lot. Their actions always had me guessing. But I know this; if my dad trusted in Christ, then He is with Him. If my mother trusts in Christ, then she will be with Him. You can judge me all that you want as I write from my heart today, but the truth is my heart is in shambles over the whole life of being torn apart by the hands of my parents. I have priority: my relationship with God, my relationship with my family and my peace. The sins of others is something that I pray for very often, and my faith in knowing that God will fix all of this in His time and way is where I live.
As I said, I am requesting prayer for the weekend that will bring a funeral for my father, a lot of family feuding, even if not many words are being said, and a sea of emotions. Please pray for all of us. We all need His strength. Our big dysfunctional family is the result of the many sins within us all, but I hope that they know as much as I do the strength that can be found in Him and the forgiveness that is available through Him. I pray this morning that your “mess” is also washed away by His love. I pray that my post brings you to the voice of the Lord in you, and that you seek his counsel as you decide what to do within your struggle.