The introduction to meth was not something that I really enjoyed, but it was the new habit. On top of the everyday pot and cigarette habit, I had to have a little corner of a sandwich baggie filled with chemicals. It was the necessary way to go about the day because not having it meant withdrawal and hard crashes. I would go for days at times with no sleep and do things that I no longer care to mention. The frequent trips to pick up large amounts in another state in the early hours of the mornings was almost always on the weekend agenda. I was sinking fast. That drug is a complete killer of body and soul.
My senior year was the roughest part of high school. I attended for two weeks, and then told my mother that I was not going back. I wanted to drop out. I was tapped out from the drug use, depression and hopeless feelings. I didn’t fit in anywhere at school, had destroyed my own reputation and received nothing but strange looks as I was viewed by everyone as a loser. Most kids don’t care about your well-being, they only care about what they look like compared to others. All I could think about was how bad I had it and how far gone I was. There was no longer any hope for me.
When my mother and I had gone to the school to sign me out for good, they offered me a “last chance” school opportunity. I could attend an alternative school, complete the needed credits and still be a recognized graduate of my high school. I took the offer.
It was a nice school. Only four hours a day, Monday through Friday. I could do the work at my own pace within an allotted time while teachers were there to help when needed. It was pretty chill, and it worked for me. I finished the senior year just shy of enough credits to graduate.
I went back the next year to the alternative school. I needed 3.5 credits to graduate. I had this!
My methamphetamine habit was ruining my life. All of the things I have mentioned, from beginning to end, had really whittled me down to no more than a warm body. I had no drive, no character, no ambition, no color, no reason to care about myself and no reason to go on.
I dropped out of school.
What a failure. What a waste. I quickly punished myself even more after realizing that I had made such a big mistake. Dropping out meant that I would have nothing in the future outside of the restaurant job I already had. Without much time wasted, I obtained my GED.
I’ve told this three-part true story of mine for a few different reasons. I’ll start with the title. Comparing myself to others is not necessarily what it sounds like in this case. I did not have a goal by the end of my writing to compare my personal experience throughout high school to the kids I had befriended or was acquainted with. My intention was not to show how my life had sucked far worse than the others around me, because for all I know, my life could have been a vacation in the eye of another. We never know what people are truly going through. My goal was to give a testimony of my personal experience with the hope of someone reading to see that life can truly be wasted when we choose to compare ourselves to anyone but the person we were the day before. You see, I had it all wrong for all of those years. I was always downing myself for the things that I couldn’t change in others around me, instead of taking the time to focus on what I could change within me.
You couldn’t have told me, even after so many years after high school, that change was only possible when I had the desire to change. I quickly would have told you a million things that were holding me back. Poor self-worth: check. A poor support system: check. Not capable because of all of those failures: check. Myself being so much less than (his or her name here) : check. All of those false accusations found within myself were of my own making.
Folks, YOU ARE NOT YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES! YOU ARE NOT YOUR FAILURES! YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST! YOU ARE NOT YOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, and you sure aren’t unworthy of new beginnings. You are only the choice that you make within each moment.
I want everyone to know that the beginning of life begins with Jesus Christ. To those who don’t know what I mean, allow me to tell you something that is key to a successful life. Being present, and only present, and filtering everything through the free gift of life, eternal and temporal, made possible ONLY THROUGH CHRIST, is the key to every locked door, and the key to locking the door of the past. Trust me, it may be good for a temporary season when you are able to put down the drugs, or realize that you are not your circumstances, failures or hang-ups. It may feel real good when you can say that life has never been better, but you won’t know the true life God has intended for you until you experience the presence of our Lord through the truth of Jesus Christ. Nothing will ever fill the void that you desperately try to fill with the other things outside of Him. Trust me, I know. You will never reach your full potential until you become the new creation in Christ. Born again, and walking in His company.
My experience led me to the true meaning of this life, and until my dying day, I will proclaim His glory over every moment. I pray tonight that you also find the true life through Him.
Thanks for reading.