Grieving Sucks

Funerals have an unfortunate way of pulling families together. Many times the extended family attends the viewing, paying their respects and offering condolences.

My late father’s death brought a few faces out of hiding. My dad’s cousin, which would be my second cousin, was a face I had not seen in over twenty years. He and I were once palling around on a fairly regular basis. That was a very different time, not like the current. We had little time during the funeral to really dig deep into what has been going on within the last two decades. Fortunately, we were able to catch up a bit this past weekend.

It was a good conversation on the phone. He and I have done a lot within our vision of the American dream. Marriage. House. Kids. His kids being cats. We both talked about how our jobs keep us busy for the majority of the time and how the rest and relaxation is valued when available. We found that the old life of partying was a thing of the past for both of us. Overall, it was a great two-hour conversation, and we plan to have breakfast a few weekends out while our wives are working. It’s kind of odd that both of our wives work weekends at a local hospital. Different campuses, but same.

The topic of my father was, of course, communicated throughout much of our conversation. My cousin and I both had a long period of time where we did not speak to him. He was fortunate to visit with my dad shortly before he died. I wasn’t. We had talked about how my dad’s cutting words and brutal honesty were sometimes spewed out at the most inappropriate times. We had also talked about our reactions to his words. If my father didn’t like something, he wouldn’t hesitate to tell you. For my cousin and I, a few words between ourselves and my father had caused both of us to step away from his bluntness. His words really had hurt both of us. Like my cousin, I returned some damaging words and never contacted him again. We, the Brewsters, are very head-strong and share the genetic trait of being way too honest for most. It sometimes causes problems.

I look forward to having deeper conversation with my cousin during the weekend ahead.

The few hours of talking about the stubbornness of ourselves, as well as of my father, had me really thinking deeply about my current situations. There has been an ongoing battle between my mother and I, and it is taking little pieces out of me daily. I cannot speak to her. It has been a battle for over twenty years. Her husband, if one could even call him that, has supposedly been the one causing her problems throughout the time after she and my dad had split. I was ALWAYS brought into the middle of their battle of making thier marriage work. Unfortunately, I had to end that recently. Things were beginning to happen that involved my mother bringing my family into her mess. Not just myself anymore, but my wife. It had to stop. I love my mother, but she refuses to change the destructive ways, and I only retaliate with anger when trying to make it work with her. No more of that.

I sit this morning and grieve over the things I cannot change. I said some things to my wife last night that did not need to be said, and dread the confrontation this morning when she wakes. I can probably smooth it over, but my Brewster mouth opened last night. The brutal honesty spewed out. I’m having a combination of grief that hasn’t been present in a number of years, and never in the same way. I’ve pretty much lost both of my parents recently, and that kind of hurts more because we were never very close, and I pissed my wife off. Oh, and my dog may be dying.

I’m not considering it all joy recently as James 1 instructs. The destruction of sin within the flesh is a complicated thing. My mother and I are complicated things. My father was a complicated thing. We still have problems. We all have struggles. We all have things that cut us into little pieces, like the things within my current personal life. Like the issues within my mother and her strange marriage.

I will simply apologize to my wife this morning, do my daily prayer and do my best to bridle the tongue. It’s a battle. It’s all a battle. I know the Lord has a much bigger plan for all of us, and this little bump in the road is for a greater good. I suppose these deep feelings within that road are for some kind of good also. I cannot change anyone but myself, so moving forward, I pray the Lord will show me the right path toward accomplishing that.

Prayers appreciated. Have a blessed day.

6 thoughts on “Grieving Sucks

  1. Everybody within a family can be their own worst enemy. Never encountered a family that wasn’t “dysfunctional.” All the way back to Cain and Able. In my old age the Lord has some how smoothed all my extended family issues out. Only He could do it! And He did! Take heart. It’s not over ’til it’s over. And the Lord really is in control! And sorry to hear about your dog. But if he’s dying and not dead, then there is still hope for him, too! The Lord cares. The Lord watches. The Lord works!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I just prayed for you, bro. I cannot fully appreciate what you’re going through, as I haven’t been in your shoes, but I can understand that it must be really tough for you to deal with. I will continue to pray for you and I know that God is working in your life and will bring you through all this. We just have to take it one day at a time. That’s all He gives us, and I think there is a reason for that. Hang in there, brother.

    Liked by 2 people

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