As I viewed myself and came to the conclusion of never being able to stop sinning, all the while knowing that it is impossible to stop, the uneasiness lifted. The lashes I was left scarred with from the whipping I had encountered within religion were just reminders of a once, very unhealthy relationship. The reasoning I was deciphering God with shifted within me. A very scary, fear-driven venture was now turning into a fully surrendered walk with the Creator. I couldn’t please a perfect, very misunderstood within my reason, all-knowing, unfathomable God of the highest supremacy. It was then that I began to relax.
4. I realized that God died so I may live.
Jesus died for my sins. For your sins. Why? Because our Father loves us. It’s really not that hard to understand.
At the current moment, I have a dog that is sick and cannot walk nine times out of ten. The doctors are running the tests, trying meds and I’m taking him in for check-ups periodically. I have to pick him up, all sixty-five pounds of nearly dead weight, take him outside to do his thing, which many times he falls into. I have to bathe him afterwards. He is on steroids and drinking excessive amounts of water, so the trips outside are often. He sometimes has accidents on the pads beneath him while desperately trying to lie comfortably on his bed. So, I then have to bathe him again. My wife has rheumatoid so she is not able to pick him up. I am gone nine to ten hours a day, five days a week, so the whole process is a bit difficult. But, I love my dog. He’s a good boy. He has been part of me and my family for ten years. This love that I have, for an animal, is small in comparison to the love that I have for my wife, my kids, my family, my friends and many acquaintances. Through all of these experiences, with a little dog or the many people within my life, I am dying with Christ. The hate and pain is always being cleansed through the life experiences I am having within His grace, under His merciful, watchful eye. The fruit of His Spirit continues to grow as I find refuge in His peace. Through prayer, meditation upon His Word and understanding that all is well within His divine plan, I always come back to the current time, and rest in His knowing.
I grumble. I cuss at times. I am tested. I am not sure how to handle certain people. I am upset at times. I am mad at times. I realize that God knows all of these things. I also know that, because of the small amount of comprehension I possess when it comes to understanding love, that His love for me is beyond how I view it or measure it. If I love the way that I do, and am able to call upon Him as the source of strength to persevere when I am weak, then He must be the very definition of love. If he died for me, there must have been a good reason. I clearly see that reason.
So yes, I fear the Lord. But the wisdom He has shown me is why. If I had never realized just how much of a need there is for His majestic position within me, I never would have moved on from the, one in the same, unbelief and religious conduct. Working my way to God with those ‘acts’ were so fleeting. So stale and dry. The healthy fear of the Lord began with the understanding of being a wretch. A complete mess. The fear of Him is comforting. The awe is peaceful. The Alpha and Omega is nothing to sneeze at. I know that I can rely on Him. I have the deepest respect for the Creator, and yet, my flesh is sometimes weak. But, I know that He washed me clean and made way for me. All of that will never be completely understood, and the unknown is always a bit frightening.
I praise God for the healthy fear He has shown me, and the wisdom He continuously allows me to experience.