It took quite a few years to accept the truth about a few aspects of myself.
Bitterness is something that I am more familiar with than many. It is truly a part of me. Since, unfortunately, I have carried this unwanted trait around for so long, it has become a battle of which I constantly have to manage. For many, many years, I did not acknowledge the truth of this deeply engrained madness that stirs within. I did not see how the inner withering withers away at the outer.
I always had an attitude. It seems that even when I was kind and generous, I would quickly resort back to being the same old jerk. I never really thought about the damage that was being done, but I did spend plenty of time blaming the world and personal circumstances for being a fool. I comfortably justified my callousness and arrogantly disregarded the consequences of my actions. If someone didn’t like me, it was one less person I had to deal with. I really didn’t see the harm that it all had been causing me, and the harm that it caused others was of little significance.
Man, that bitterness within hit me in the face as I began to walk with the Lord. The veil was definitely lifted.
I have a very long story, as written in the blog that I have, of the many reasons why I have battled the raging war between being as the Lord would have me be and the consequences of the ten-fold sins of my life. A battle I am fighting at this very moment and will fight within each moment to come. I am always a work in progress. Each day, I choose to give more and more of myself to the Lord. That’s the goal. The reality though, the true reality, is that the fallen man is always against the Lord. The man of flesh is always fighting against the demons within, and one of the greatest demons I have to battle is the one of the mind.
Bitterness is a far-reaching title for a lifetime of hurt, sorrow, misunderstanding, the damage my parents have caused, drug and alcohol abuse, the chemical imbalances within my brain and how I personally deal with my life. I cannot tell anyone with words just how deeply bothered I am by all of these things.
The difference between then and now: then being before a run-in with the Lord and now being with Him, is a greater vision of the truth. A very revealing truth. A truth that was uncovered when I began to see just how much sin is at play within the world. Just how well it is weaved into the man that I am.
There is an old video I had watched of a clip of a sermon from the late Billy Graham. I watched this clip several years ago. It had a great amount of influence at a crucial time in my life. It exposed the real problem in not only the world, but also within myself. It exposed the bitterness within me. It exposed the sin which lead me to understand why my past had been a justified reason for keeping the disdainful attitude. It was a tool of the Lord to wake me from the dream of being a great guy within my sinful ways. I’ll post this video at the end of the writing. I pray that it helps you too.
Sometimes I am so ashamed of the ways I have been, and many times I beat myself up when I begin to think about the bitterness that still silently resides within the depths of me. I sometimes relive those old battles. I sometimes begin the battles all over again, but the Lord has a way of cooling me down these days. I manage the mind through His guidance and the learned methods. I see the sin for what it is: part of me. I give it all to God and trust in Him. I know that the hard truths that I learn to embrace are all for a greater purpose. I keep the faith in the Creator of this vast universe, and I continuously strive to listen to His truth. I sincerely pray this morning that you will too.