This morning, I took a look at the archives of my writings. The following is the first post I ever put out there for the world to read.
As I reflect back on where I’ve been, where I am now and where I would like to go, I keep Christ at center. He is the rock that I stand upon.
I pray this morning that a few words of mine can bring you a little closer to the Lord.
Today I woke up. Praise God for another day.
It is no surprise to me that I have been going through difficult times lately. I don’t mean in the material world. My life is very blessed with the things that I need. I work hard for what I have. What I mean by difficult times is what is going on within me.
I have been choosing to let the things I have no control over to get in the way lately.
Choices were something I was never very good at. Growing up as a young boy, my choices were made by the adults. You can relate. They raised my up to the best of their ability, and thankfully I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. They raised many children and grandchildren before I came along, so I had a great advantage when it came to learning from the experienced. My mother and father split early on, so there were many issues that troubled me that stemmed from that also. Nevertheless, I had an upbringing that was pretty good as a young boy. I had no brothers or sisters, and as an introvert, I had few friends. A lot of my time was spent alone, or with older people. Being a child in an adult environment was difficult. I would usually spend my time coming up with creative ways to entertain myself. I had plastic figures from a construction set that I spent time with, early on. I would play with matchbox cars under the huge pine tree at my grandparent’s house. Ride my bike with the neighborhood kids. But, I always felt more peace, or whatever you call it when you are a young boy, being alone. I became socially awkward throughout my time growing up. Filling my days and thoughts with things that my mind was thinking about. Greatly influenced by my environment.
I did not have it easy. Before you think this is a pity-party, this is just me talking about the realness of my past. My parents struggled to make it, and I struggled along with them. A very nasty, distasteful issue was introduced into my life when I was very young. It was something that a boy should never had been thinking about from the age of three. I won’t elaborate. Just know that it messed my thinking up early on. I will not get into depth, but I had trouble with the issue throughout my whole life. It caused me a great deal of pain. The days came when all of the frustration and all of the ugliness, from my parents splitting, took its toll. Watching them act and speak, and seeing their unsettling ways tear them apart even more, set me on a course of self-destruction. I started destroying myself, with harmful “escapes”.
I found the love that I was missing while my parents went through their never-ending battle with themselves, and their marriage. That “issue” I was talking about messed EVERYTHING up, for them, and me. So, the love and attention I was lacking from my parents, my mom and dad, not my grandparents, but my mom and dad, was filled by an outside source of drug addicts. At first, I would just experiment with cigarettes and beer with the neighborhood kids, but it escalated into the dark underworld of hotel rooms and basements, with people old enough to know better who had harder drugs, and lots of evil things to fill the voids with.
I don’t like to speak about the dark days much anymore. Those days of drugs and drinking heavily are not what I choose to glorify. That’s why you can have your “recovery” groups too. Glorifying those days of old only keep the demons alive, in my opinion.
Peace has come. Peace is the love of God, through Jesus Christ. You may not agree, and that is your choice. But, if you have read this far through my writing, make sure you read this part. Peace, was always the act of trying to find things to fill a big hole within myself, with things in the world. The love of people. The material things. The drugs and alcohol. The dark underworld. Music. Cars. Money. Food. The cars under the pine tree. The creative things I would come up with.
Sure, there are things in the world that bring peace. Right now, I have some great music playing, and a cup of good coffee, but I am not trying to fill a void anymore with those things. Other things that are helpful to me are reading about why my brain functions the way it does. I have a good time with my family and friends when I can, and stare at the vast starry sky at night. I fish when I can, and sometimes I go sit down and eat a steak by myself at a nice restaurant. Things bring peace. But, real peace comes from God. From His Son, who came, and made a way for me. Who sent His Holy Spirit to live in me. To guide me, and promise me that He will never leave me, nor forsake me. I strongly encourage you to learn about the Lord. Read His Word. New Testament first. Realize that Jesus is the way. Be open to that. That’s my advice. Take it, or don’t. But if you have a void, that you keep trying to fill with people, or things, or emotions, or as the Bible calls “idols”, call upon Jesus. He is the fulfillment. I promise. I have been through hell, and heaven is right there, through Jesus Christ. He is love. He is peace. He is what is missing for some, and what was missing for myself for many years. Thanks for reading, and I truly hope you find permanent peace within, through Him.