My personal life has been nothing short of dangerous. From the beginning, the mess my parents had caused- the ongoing physical and mental abuse between themselves while I sat helplessly on the sidelines, with no comprehension of why it was taking place- set me up for a dysfunctional life that is still, at times, resonating throughout my current days.
Forty years later.
Times, much like today.
How often I break inside. It is not evident or announced, but I break. I break when certain memories are recalled. I squirm when certain people reach into the pits that I’ve buried the emotional distresses of the past in. I quiver as others pull those old miseries back out into the open, using tactics, cunning and clever ways that they are totally oblivious of.
Clueless. Blind, they are.
I have a relative that hides behind the lies in order for the truth to be avoided. I break often because of them. In fact, I have several of those relatives. I have acquaintances that I regularly have short conversation with, for good reason. Good reason, only for me. If I were to stay too long, the same pit of distress would be disturbed and the same old demons of those pits would be awakened. The excessive exorcisms are not something that I want to practice, so I avoid the people who partake in the unbeknown séances that summon those old emotions. I buried those old demons for a reason. My reason.
I find it hard to be kind at times. I find it difficult to be patient. I cannot tolerate much when it comes to how I must handle others, the world and myself. It is sometimes painful, being painful. I don’t like having these deeply rooted struggles, but they are there. My boundaries are necessary. Getting others to understand them is not something that can really be explained within a quick conversation, so, I often choose to be alone. It prevents complications between myself and those whom I value. I pray for the strength to let things go, focus on the good that is all around and evident, and I succeed more times than not.
Not today, though. Not today.
I don’t know if anyone else reading this can relate, but I know that I’m not alone. Scars are sometimes very deep, and with those scars, no amount of anything can change what happens in moments of my life. Moments like now. Today. Sometimes, I just have to deal, wait on the Lord and persevere. I have to adapt and overcome. I have to know that the Lord is the only One who can comfort what stirs these things within. The life of others’ sins, my sins and the nature of my flesh is a struggle today, and I know that the same struggle will come in days ahead. To say that they won’t would only be a delusion. God will allow these things in order for me to learn more about Him. I need that. I sometimes need days like these.