I had a really bad day yesterday. It was one of the worst days I’ve had in many weeks. I spent the day in my house doing a few things that I thought would bring me some kind of happiness, and for a few minutes during the tasks I suppose they did, but it was short-lived. I have been aching for many months over things that have really stirred my already broken heart. My father passing, the fallout with my mother who attempted suicide for the second time and the many personal struggles that I have to fight each day. Those things are heavy, and the weight it places upon me has really been testing me lately.
I’m firmly rooted in my relationship with God, so I don’t need to hear the, “but God said” from anyone. I am very aware. He also said that life would be full of these times that I have been experiencing. He knows this personal battle of mine in full, unlike anyone who seems to know what is best for me. Also, only I can know what I feel like in its entirety.
In its entirety, I’m tapped out.
Pain changes people. It truly does. It tears out the little parts of your being that used to bring the laughter. The once small and meaningful is now just a void that is like a black hole, sucking everything into its vacuum of emptiness.
I have a lot of those holes.
My personal ways of coping with the realities is much different than they used to be. For so many years, I would run to a bottle or quickly smoke some good pot. I cannot do those things anymore. That is a battle within itself, at times. I used to fly off of the handle when I faced days like yesterday and tell everyone to f@%& off. I had to keep everyone away because they always wanted to tell me what to do about my pain. I don’t do that anymore either, and I kindly just tell others that I’d like to be alone. It’s best for me. My patience is much better than it used to be. I can more readily allow the fruits of His spirit into the madness, thank God. Being alone and using what I know, talking to God and praying is what I have to do in order to get through the days like yesterday.
I have a friend who would like to do some cycling. It is something that he and I do for our health, but I’ve been very reluctant to do it with him because of his choice to do drugs. I feel as though it is a gateway to the life I no longer desire. As strongly rooted in Him as I am, I feel as though one moment of weakness could send me back out into the world of desiring the drugs.
I’m not down for that.
I love my buddy, but I don’t love the sin. It’s tough.
It’s hard being an introvert who desires hanging out with others. It’s hard being someone who wants to please the Lord while the majority of the world only desires to please themselves. Its hard to be beaten by the hand of others for so long that I find myself more comfortable staying away from most. Its hard to be hurting inside and not finding much joy in much of anything. This season of mine is really difficult. Like I had said, ‘I’m tapped out.’
What I do know is this: It is just a season. It is a time for growth. It’s a time for learning, gaining strength from the Lord and being myself. It’s who and what I am. I know that the Lord never leaves me in these times, and I also know that most people always do. I put my trust in Him. People, not so much. Although, I truly appreciate the few true friends and loved ones that I do have. The few. Most only put on a front of being loving and God-like, and that’s real. Kudos to those who act like they love everyone like God and have deep compassion for everyone like Him. If you are a sinful being, like everyone is, you can’t, completely.
Could you love the guy like God does who slaughtered your family in front of you? Didn’t think so.
I have a lot of pain in here. Do you? Maybe you get “tapped out” at times, too. Perhaps the season you are experiencing is similar to mine. Maybe people really suck the life out of you. Maybe the death of relatives has drained the life from you. Maybe you struggle with substance abuse issues. My advice the morning is this: Lean on Him.
Allowing God through a relationship with Jesus Christ is the only remedy to all of lifes’ seasons. Whether that season is full of joy or sorrow, He sustains. I know, throughout all of this personal life of struggle, that He is the only answer to all things.
I pray this morning that each reader will allow the Lord Jesus to sustain whatever life is left within them. I pray that each season that you go through is endured by leaning into Him.