I consider myself a faithful man, but lately, I’m feeling pretty mundane.
It’s difficult to explain my current position. It’s not that I’ve given up on the Lord, because I know He has never given up on me nor will He ever. It’s just that my current position in this life of mine has reached a milestone, and I’m currently standing still, not sure of where I am spiritually. My zeal is pretty dry.
Things have really been bothering me lately within this journey with my Lord. I feel so ashamed of many things within myself, and really, I always have felt ashamed. It is these certain things within me that have not been put to rest or removed, even well into this walk with the Christ that I started down the unknown road with several years ago. This shame: a built-in characteristic, instilled by the life I had experienced as a young boy, is now a different kind of shame within this walk with God.
I ALWAYS feel ashamed. I ALWAYS feel as though I am nothing more than a wretch in His eye.
To me, this just sucks!
Honestly, I’m so tired of feeling shame.
When I look at the Bible, I experience, for many hours, days or even weeks at times, a deeper shame than the one which had already been weaved within my very being ever since I was a kid. Ever since I was introduced into the world of pain and confusion, brought about by two people who couldn’t get their heads out of their asses long enough to see a little kid who needed love and experiences that most have as little people. I had been exposed to things, unmentionable things, that had my clueless head spinning from the time I was just learning to walk. I walked right into the dark and ugly places throughout my life with a deep sense of shame because of the experiences I had lived.
Now, here I am, sitting here writing, forty years in, full of shame, riddled with the little pieces of the past life of shame, intertwined with a great and fairly new shame, brought about by the Bible. Brought about by a wrathful God who could squish the life from me at any given time. Brought about by the loving, graceful and just God of the universe. Brought about by the Lord who knew, beforehand, that I would be struggling within this current time. Brought about by people: those who claim to be His, who throw stones at any given moment, and then, use Scripture to justify their slander.
Am I supposed to live a life of complete shame until my dying breath??
Even in this heartache, I rely on Jesus. Yes, I’m confused. I am not sure of my findings within the years of studies of His Word. I do know that the faith is still there, and I don’t see that falling away. I don’t see that ever going away. What I don’t see is a lot of things that logic tries desperately to figure out. I cannot fathom some of things that I read. I cannot make sense of, what appears to be, the “contradictions” that I find while making my way through it. Even the greatest teachers get a big head and think they have all of the answers. That’s just another damper on my fight with the shame.
Sometimes I think to myself, ‘Am I just too dumb to “get it” all?’ No, I’m just not worried about not getting it all, like many seem to be.
People, and specifically, other Christians, cause shame to play with my head. The Bible, as well as others, tell me that I need to be a better Christian. A better man who WILL NOT SIN, EVER! Telling me that I must be like Jesus, even though the person that I am is a complete train wreck! Even when the Bible tells me that I am loved, and that He knows me through and through. That He is always my shepherd, and that I shouldn’t fret. But then, the things that I read, and many who “love Him” point to me and make me feel like I’m a terrible human being!!?
I’m tapped out lately!
I’m going to be honest here at my little blog. I’m going to tell people how I feel in order for others to see that we are not really that much different from the next. We struggle. We have questions. We hurt. We feel shame. We wonder. We are all spinning round on a sphere that sustains life within and infinite universe, questioning. Today, I just thought I would share some things that, perhaps, many of you experience? We are human, and we are all, very much so, human. We all have times like the one I am having. For us who follow Him, we sometimes don’t know or understand the direction in which He takes us.