It’s Hard To Find The Good

I consider myself a faithful man, but lately, I’m feeling pretty mundane.

It’s difficult to explain my current position. It’s not that I’ve given up on the Lord, because I know He has never given up on me nor will He ever. It’s just that my current position in this life of mine has reached a milestone, and I’m currently standing still, not sure of where I am spiritually. My zeal is pretty dry.

Things have really been bothering me lately within this journey with my Lord. I feel so ashamed of many things within myself, and really, I always have felt ashamed. It is these certain things within me that have not been put to rest or removed, even well into this walk with the Christ that I started down the unknown road with several years ago. This shame: a built-in characteristic, instilled by the life I had experienced as a young boy, is now a different kind of shame within this walk with God.

I ALWAYS feel ashamed. I ALWAYS feel as though I am nothing more than a wretch in His eye.

To me, this just sucks!

Honestly, I’m so tired of feeling shame.

When I look at the Bible, I experience, for many hours, days or even weeks at times, a deeper shame than the one which had already been weaved within my very being ever since I was a kid. Ever since I was introduced into the world of pain and confusion, brought about by two people who couldn’t get their heads out of their asses long enough to see a little kid who needed love and experiences that most have as little people. I had been exposed to things, unmentionable things, that had my clueless head spinning from the time I was just learning to walk. I walked right into the dark and ugly places throughout my life with a deep sense of shame because of the experiences I had lived.

Now, here I am, sitting here writing, forty years in, full of shame, riddled with the little pieces of the past life of shame, intertwined with a great and fairly new shame, brought about by the Bible. Brought about by a wrathful God who could squish the life from me at any given time. Brought about by the loving, graceful and just God of the universe. Brought about by the Lord who knew, beforehand, that I would be struggling within this current time. Brought about by people: those who claim to be His, who throw stones at any given moment, and then, use Scripture to justify their slander.

Am I supposed to live a life of complete shame until my dying breath??

Even in this heartache, I rely on Jesus. Yes, I’m confused. I am not sure of my findings within the years of studies of His Word. I do know that the faith is still there, and I don’t see that falling away. I don’t see that ever going away. What I don’t see is a lot of things that logic tries desperately to figure out. I cannot fathom some of things that I read. I cannot make sense of, what appears to be, the “contradictions” that I find while making my way through it. Even the greatest teachers get a big head and think they have all of the answers. That’s just another damper on my fight with the shame.

Sometimes I think to myself, ‘Am I just too dumb to “get it” all?’  No, I’m just not worried about not getting it all, like many seem to be.

People, and specifically, other Christians, cause shame to play with my head. The Bible, as well as others, tell me that I need to be a better Christian. A better man who WILL NOT SIN, EVER! Telling me that I must be like Jesus, even though the person that I am is a complete train wreck! Even when the Bible tells me that I am loved, and that He knows me through and through. That He is always my shepherd, and that I shouldn’t fret. But then, the things that I read, and many who “love Him” point to me and make me feel like I’m a terrible human being!!?

I’m tapped out lately!

I’m going to be honest here at my little blog. I’m going to tell people how I feel in order for others to see that we are not really that much different from the next. We struggle. We have questions. We hurt. We feel shame. We wonder. We are all spinning round on a sphere that sustains life within and infinite universe, questioning. Today, I just thought I would share some things that, perhaps, many of you experience? We are human, and we are all, very much so, human. We all have times like the one I am having. For us who follow Him, we sometimes don’t know or understand the direction in which He takes us.

 

 

 

19 thoughts on “It’s Hard To Find The Good

  1. I understand that you know the shame, what you don’t fully comprehend is His love. What we have done, what we did has nothing to do with who we are now in Christ. We are indeed a new creation, albeit the old is still tagging along in our memory and the daily fight between walking in the Spirit and walking in the flesh remains because we still are in these sin prone bodies (Hebrews 12:1-3). We confess our sins and continue on, trusting that what He has begun in us He will bring to completion. Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow. I know these are just words but the truth of the matter is that they are also reality. If you have a spare moment please read the following post: https://bcooper.wordpress.com/2018/10/20/the-presence-of-god-revisited/
    I don’t know what you were exposed to or what you endured but I do know that God’s love is so much greater than any of that. Do I feel that love every day? Not even close. But He allowed me to taste of it and I NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE BEING IN HIS PRESENCE AND LOVE. If you trust in Him, He loves you with a love that you can’t even begin to comprehend. I was adopted and went through some pretty hard stuff as a young child. Later on, I added substantially to my own list of shameful actions until I FINALLY came to the place where I rely on Him, in spite of my feelings, which can be close to Him or feel far from Him, depending on a lot of factors. Yet, His love is constant. Hang in there Damon and thank you for being real. Grace and blessings my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for sharing. Tbh I often feel the same, even though I know I don’t have to- my sins past present and future are covered in the blood of the Lamb.

    I remember hearing Paul Washer (not the most stereotypically comforting of preachers!) saying that a lot of Christians assume Christ is going to have a frown on His face when He accepts us into heaven, and that He will do so begrudgingly. But no, we’ll have the warmest of welcomes because it’s not about our sinfulness but His grace.

    Some preacher long since gone to glory said that for every look at our sinful selves we should take ten looks at our gracious Saviour.

    I’m seeking to encourage myself as I seek to encourage you to not live in guilt and shame anymore, but gratitude and rejoicing.

    Bless you brother 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I will hang in there, and I do know and have experienced a great deal of what is written in the link. It’s a great post.
    The love of God is something else that I know, but when one finds it hard to love himself at times, it makes it hard to fathom the magnitude of God’s love. It is also difficult to 100% hold faith in the, never really, completely, manifested. The personal experience I had with God making Himself known was a confirmation of His presence, but He didn’t explain the whole life, truth, Bible, Holy Spirit, etc. within that momeny. We all struggle within this walk. Some are just afraid to acknowledge the struggle.
    Thank you for the encouragement, and blessings to you 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hear you. I think we all carry some shame and maybe it’s a good reminder
    for us and our daily need for repentance. The things we choose to hang onto are things we can’t forgive ourselves for. The devil uses those failings to make us feel guilty and unworthy. God’s mercy is good every day. We are redeemed already. The toughest part is forgiving ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I oftentimes feel inadequate in my relationship with God. Like I am not good enough or something. But i remember what Romans chapter 8 says, that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. God is not condemning us for what we cannot do, but loving us and graciously making up for what we lack. I appreciate your honesty here, as I think we all can relate in some way. I will continue to pray for you and God will meet you right where you are. Be blessed, bro!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I had a “dry spot” like this, I call it. I am 45. I struggled with shame and guilt until I stood on the Scripture “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” and anything to the contrary is a lie and a lure of the enemy to break me. I trusted that to be true and took God at His Word and humbly and gave it to Him. I also just read the Bible all I could and prayed to draw close to God. Everything became easier and lighter and in obedience I felt God’s truth wash away the lies and felt Him closer. What was blah became beautiful. Just don’t give up. Truth is beautiful.😄❤

    Liked by 1 person

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