I Don’t Know?

If it weren’t for the faith I have in Christ removing all sin — past, present and future — I’d give up.

Yes, you heard that correctly.

I’ve had several days off of work, and it was supposed to be an extended weekend — to myself, mainly — full of rest and relaxation. For the most part, it has been. I’ve done things that I personally truly love (that really aren’t what most would call rest, and maybe not even relaxation), like plenty of hiking in nature, mountain biking and exercise. I was blessed to be able to shoot some great photos throughout the times I’ve been able to be out in the wilderness (which was often), and while taking full advantage of the few days of pristine autumn weather, I’ve been able to enjoy every moment…

kind of.

With all that was good within the several days, a few things have been weighing on me — heavily. Although I don’t put everything within my personal life for viewing for the entire world on WordPress, I will say that a few things that I have been dealing with lately are not easy.

They are nagging. They make my head hurt.

They bring the old familiar anxieties of the past to the forefront of my confidence in the only thing that removes all of it and its menacing blows — Jesus.

Yes, I haven’t been very confident in Jesus making it all, “okay”.

The way I think about certain aspects of my life; the many facets of the complete and utter b.s. I continue to deal with, internally and externally, and the ways I conduct myself in certain situations is draining me of caring. It is making me feel like a failure to God. It is making me think that I am not worthy of His grace and that I am not really “saved” as I once had thought.

The sad thing is, I don’t care.

What all of this really comes down to is, I am either going to forever be with the Lord, or I won’t be.

I’m sick and tired of struggling with this ‘back and forth’ questioning I always seem to arrive at within these difficult times. I believe that grace is where I reside one moment, and the next moment I believe I may be hellbound for all of the things I truly and plainly continue to fail at. I tell you what, I am completely burned out on trying to figure out which one is correct at a given time.

As of right now, I may not be writing my heart out as I had been in the past. I may do the poetry thing, but the heart to hearts and open honesty is probably going to be put to rest for a while.

Also, spending too much time reading all of these different opinions and writings of “the truth” that I read here and elsewhere is beginning to make me look at others in negative ways. It was the same type of narrow mindedness of others that convinced me to leave the unbelievably non-biblical organized church in the first place. I don’t want to be one of those guys who begin throwing stones over another’s ignorance.

As of right now, I’m holding onto the little faith I have, and that faith is just Jesus. Nothing added, nothing within my power, no added works. The many ways I am falling short are causing me to have a different attitude within this journey of mine, so I’ll just walk the road in silence for a while. In the meantime, I hope you all find what you’re looking for within this world of question.

12 thoughts on “I Don’t Know?

  1. In case it helps, I want you to know that of the posts I read, yours are some of the most impactful. There is a saying, “”The deeper the mud, the more beautiful the lotus blooms”. Maybe cause you’ve been through a lot of “mud” your writings, when we read them, bring beauty into our lives. Please keep writing !!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jesus is the most important and it really is therapeutic to be in the simplicity of His presence. Manmade rules are never His idea and time alone with Him is what it is all about. It is the right thing and I am behind you. God bless you, brother in Christ. 😄❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I get it. There are days where it just gets tiring with all the deconstructing, reconstructing, hearing one person say this and another saying that. I will say you are at a good place when you say “I’m holding onto the little faith I have, and that faith is just Jesus. Nothing added, nothing within my power, no added works”. That is enough.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. We cannot “feel” faith all the time. It is normal and healthy to have doubts. Saints call those times “dark night of the soul.” I am adding you to my personal prayer list. When you are in confusion remember that others will be holding you up in prayer. Cling to that as you struggle. Just choosing Christ does not make our life disappear. It just makes it easier knowing that God is always there with us.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know exactly what your talking about. It’s why I long to stand before Jesus Christ, right, wrong or indifferent, I long to be standing before the Truth, that I need not wonder anymore about what the Truth is.
    You’re not the only one who’s sick of all the religious garbage Brother.
    The best part about your self condemning episodes is that it’s a learned. They indoctrinated you in church to hate yourself. Best part about learned behaviour, you can unlearn it.
    Jesus Christ came not to condemn the world, but to save it.
    Who are you to condemn yourself when God in fact, came to save you?
    You will realize that the more you see division and confusion in bible based religion, the nearer you’ll draw to Jesus Christ Himself with child like faith. This I can assure you.
    Enjoy your freedom IN Christ for He IS faithful.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. “Jesus Christ came not to condemn the world, but to save it.
    Who are you to condemn yourself when God in fact, came to save you?”
    Blessings, Stephen. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.


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