If it weren’t for the faith I have in Christ removing all sin — past, present and future — I’d give up.
Yes, you heard that correctly.
I’ve had several days off of work, and it was supposed to be an extended weekend — to myself, mainly — full of rest and relaxation. For the most part, it has been. I’ve done things that I personally truly love (that really aren’t what most would call rest, and maybe not even relaxation), like plenty of hiking in nature, mountain biking and exercise. I was blessed to be able to shoot some great photos throughout the times I’ve been able to be out in the wilderness (which was often), and while taking full advantage of the few days of pristine autumn weather, I’ve been able to enjoy every moment…
With all that was good within the several days, a few things have been weighing on me — heavily. Although I don’t put everything within my personal life for viewing for the entire world on WordPress, I will say that a few things that I have been dealing with lately are not easy.
They are nagging. They make my head hurt.
They bring the old familiar anxieties of the past to the forefront of my confidence in the only thing that removes all of it and its menacing blows — Jesus.
Yes, I haven’t been very confident in Jesus making it all, “okay”.
The way I think about certain aspects of my life; the many facets of the complete and utter b.s. I continue to deal with, internally and externally, and the ways I conduct myself in certain situations is draining me of caring. It is making me feel like a failure to God. It is making me think that I am not worthy of His grace and that I am not really “saved” as I once had thought.
The sad thing is, I don’t care.
What all of this really comes down to is, I am either going to forever be with the Lord, or I won’t be.
I’m sick and tired of struggling with this ‘back and forth’ questioning I always seem to arrive at within these difficult times. I believe that grace is where I reside one moment, and the next moment I believe I may be hellbound for all of the things I truly and plainly continue to fail at. I tell you what, I am completely burned out on trying to figure out which one is correct at a given time.
As of right now, I may not be writing my heart out as I had been in the past. I may do the poetry thing, but the heart to hearts and open honesty is probably going to be put to rest for a while.
Also, spending too much time reading all of these different opinions and writings of “the truth” that I read here and elsewhere is beginning to make me look at others in negative ways. It was the same type of narrow mindedness of others that convinced me to leave the unbelievably non-biblical organized church in the first place. I don’t want to be one of those guys who begin throwing stones over another’s ignorance.
As of right now, I’m holding onto the little faith I have, and that faith is just Jesus. Nothing added, nothing within my power, no added works. The many ways I am falling short are causing me to have a different attitude within this journey of mine, so I’ll just walk the road in silence for a while. In the meantime, I hope you all find what you’re looking for within this world of question.