I was listening to the lyrics of a song when I began to see a great truth within everyone.
This “truth” is the realities of our individual experiences: Everything that we have been through and have experienced with our senses. The way we have seen our individual worlds and all that we have become, up until this very moment. Our reality; what is real, solely, to us.
The days are shorter here in Indiana, the weather is colder and the foliage is falling away from the regal trees that surround our rolling hills of harvest leftovers. This time of year has always been a time of emotional overload for me, and I suppose it is because of the patterns of death that I have witnessed throughout the years in the area. With the onset of the dying world outside, I begin to cerebrate. I begin to consider all of the friends and family that have passed away and the current difficult situations, those of both past and present, that I have kept on the back burner. Within these days of spending more time inside, reading, writing and reflecting, I have more time to stew within that which complicates my already complicated mind.
There has been ongoing talk between myself and a few bloggers, my family and a few friends that has me spending too much time overanalyzing things that shouldn’t be. I have been spending a lot of time getting into Apologetics, different views within the Christian community and picking apart other brothers and sisters in Christ. I have been reading between the lines with a keen eye. I have been using the gift of intuition to arrive at a conclusion about others that may be the wrong conclusion. I am beginning to become the same religious freak that I was when I first began the walk with the Lord, full of the wrong kind of righteousness that a malnourished soul sometimes has the tendency to become when misguided by the wrong leadership. It is taking the focus off of the time I should be spending with and within the beautiful people, places and things that are right in front of me, as well as robbing me of the little joy I can gather in this season of my life. It’s taking away from my personal relationship with the Lord.
It is bringing on the death within me.
I’m sure the people who follow this blog can see the frustration within my writings. Although I am passionate about many of the topics I have been putting into word, I have been using the wrong motives in many ways. I have been channeling my personal “whirlwind”, as I have coined it as, into the recent expressive writings. I’m sorry, and I’m not at the same time. I just call it as I see it, whether that is acceptable or not in the times of my personal dilemma. My blog is an outlet that was started because of a desire to proclaim the glory of God through Christ to the world and my journey down the road with Him. Unfortunately, I’m not your model Christian. I’m just myself in my walk with Him — plain and simple. With the challenges at hand, many of the choices I’ve made within them have been degrading and obtuse, resulting in words that should have been tasted and recognized as bitter before letting them out.
‘Hardheaded’ to say the least, and a mouth that won’t stay shut. But, it has gotten much better throughout the years. Kudos, Lord!
It’s just the way that I am. Many cannot deal with the guy I truly am, and as a result, my circle is small. The few loved ones within my life are very loving and forgiving people. Hats off to my wife, for she is one of the most loving and forgiving people around. I know that it has to be genetic, too. My mother is kind of off of her rocker and my dad also was. I’m the fine result. So, with the way that I am, I have been putting too much emphasis on the apologetics, the dissection of others and my obsessive desire to call people out for their stupidity. Water and oil don’t mix, and I know this, and yet I continue to believe that they just might. I keep placing my nose in things that I know will have a foul odor in the end.
The ways of the Lord are as the fruits of the Spirit describe: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, forbearance, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control — all of the things that the current season is beginning to negate. I am becoming further from God and closer to the prideful flesh that is already a mess. I’m only adding more unnecessary negative energy to the world I know.
When I dive head first into things, like people and places that I really have little understanding or knowledge of, I begin to take my inner frustrations out on those who don’t deserve it. I suppose I just don’t know what to do with it all, at times. Most of the time I just give it to the Lord, but in my personal times of death and vulnerability, I bring it into the wrong spaces. I chase the demons, or, they chase me, into, or while in these spaces.
The song this morning was about a woman and her personal view of her world. I don’t know if the artist was describing her own world, someone else’s or if it was all fictional, but it made me think of my own. It made me think about the ways of the other brothers and sisters in Christ, and why they do what they do. It made me think about how I sometimes jump the gun with conclusions, and how I should just back off and realize that everyone is completely different. Although, not everyone is good for the soul, but at the same time, not everyone is toxic. We all have the things within us that have made us the way we are.
I have to stay away from the things that bring me down. I have to. We all have to go over our lives and graciously remove the things that destroy. We have to show grace to others, but still know when to step away when things get dicey. We have to remember that everyone has their individual experiences that have left them in the shape they are. So, consider the world through the eyes of another for a moment, and see that they also have a voice. A voice — made up of all that they have experienced.