Gone Fishing

I figured I’d write

how I honestly feel,

as writing has become

how I personally deal.

Inevitable sins

in which I commit,

accompanied by sadness

and true feelings of s?@t.

Throw in mental problems

that I’ve battled so long

and receive the pure dread

of hell when I’m gone.

Church screwed up my head

and pride of the men

who claimed they were “called”

brought their own fear with them.

Now, I battle the faith —

the dichotomy unfolds

when one says I’m saved

and the other just scolds.

I sit and I wonder

if God has a place

for the kindness within me

or a fiery space

to send me eternally

for the sins that I carry…

Those sins in His eye

that constantly vary.

Repent — sin –repeat…

We carry on in our ways,

never knowing where we’ll go

in that eternal phase.

I write out the truth

that is within me.

The question I have.

The trouble I see.

I have many pressures

in this life of mine,

and one of them lingers:

Is life by design?

I always see splendor

in the birds at my sill.

I see all His beauty

on that tree-covered hill.

I also see death

and an evil within

everyone that I meet

that the Bible calls sin.

It makes me think I’m saved

and, then again…

Just like the preacher man,

fear soon takes its win.

He said, “Christ covered me,

but you have to obey”.

How then, preacher man,

is your sin not the same?

Food stuffed in your gut

is not Gluttony?

Nice cars and sharp suits

bought with other people’s money?

Same sins, different skin.

Church is not what they say.

Fear mongering feeds fear,

and as I sit here today,

that experience killed my desire

to care, sometimes,

about the life I mess up

and the stress my head finds.

I am truly a mess

and if I am loved

by the Lord who sits high

in the heavens above

then He knew beforehand

where this mess would one day be…

I’m so tired of the question,

and the answer I can’t see.

So….

I figured I’d write

how I honestly feel,

as writing has become

how I personally deal.

4 thoughts on “Gone Fishing

  1. OMG–I *understand* this! I know when one says they cannot truly understand but rather empathize or hear you, etc., I, too, struggle with the church–Many of my blog posts — I am not advertising on your page, are product of hypocrisy within the church and the lengths they can go to quiet those who see–
    “when one says I’m saved

    and the other just scolds.

    I sit and I wonder

    if God has a place

    for the kindness within me

    or a fiery space

    to send me eternally” – you are not alone!

    Liked by 1 person

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