As a silent observer, I often view my world from the outside. In other words, I take the time to examine myself — the practicalities, emotions, responses, etc. Being in tune with me. This morning, I have been observing a recurring, personal fact. This post may be considered a bit morbid for some, but I tend to write from my heart.
I often think about my death. Yes, dying. When I go to bed at night and wake to see another day, I am thankful for another day of life. If I am driving from point A to point B, I am thankful for not having a fatal accident. You get the picture.
I suppose this all began as I watched my beloved grandmother dying of natural causes before my eyes, many years ago. I cannot forget the experience, so vividly ingrained — the people present, the place, the lighting, her positioning, the many ways in which I felt the deep sorrow after her passing. I laid on a swing in a backyard and sobbed as I watched the fall leaves blow fiercely in the sunlit backdrop. It’s all still there, those lucid memories. As time passed on, many others did as well. My grandfather shortly after my grandmother’s passing, my best buddy and tens of family members. Recently, my dad. Many friends. The little bits of me that were attached to them passed away with them.
Yes, I do think about death. A lot. My wife said that she doesn’t because it’s so depressing. I can see how it would be. I suppose I just look at my realities a bit differently than she does, as we are all individually built in our particular ways. But, death is a reality that has me thinking about a few more things this morning.
Most can see from the things that I write in this blog that peace is something I greatly value. Living in a constant hell — both self-induced and stemming from outside sources — for most of my life, peace is now paramount. Priority. Another thing that I am learning to keep at the forefront is love. But, that is a tough one for me. Although, the Lord is always working that one out. I keep Him near these days and He shows me what love is. The peace and love that I desire to hold close in my life, I believe, comes directly from the sheer value of life itself. It comes from all of my experiences with death that I have personally lived. It all makes me very thankful for each moment, each experience, each way that I am able to embrace what is presented. I am learning to utilize the peace and love in every aspect of my existence, here (God help me!). Easier said and done, for anyone. Yet, I do so by taking a look at all that has been lost and keeping what life still exists close to me. Close to my heart. All the while, knowing that one day, life here will end. The eternal will come in His glorious place eventually, but each battle faced while here is fought with the peace and love I’ve learned/am learning to keep near.