The Personal Real

I suppose my willingness to remain strong comes from the constant fight to not fall victim to my circumstances again, and to not begin to see the world in the same ways that I used to.

It was once all that I was–my circumstances. It was the only thing that I defined myself as. Failures: circumstances. Wins: circumstances. No power to get on with life: circumstances. Just about anything and everything that I saw in myself was based on the outside, coming into play, within. People and their choices were the reason why I was the way that I was. The response from the world and others I would receive was exactly why I could not be happy or content. It was always an extrinsic, no matter what. My self-esteem was low because of it, and I never respected myself. I never loved myself. Too much concern with the way that others viewed me became the catalyst of my own death sentence. With that distorted view, my whole existence–my make or break–was either because of or not because of the peripheral.

I never wanted to take responsibility. Does anyone truly want to, “own it”, especially when it is clearly a sad, hard truth about one’s self?

Taking a look at the facts–the things that were truly going on within me–is what began and is what I continue to keep around.

It’s imperative!

Those old practices and habits sometimes try to draw me back into the vortex of thinking and believing the way I once had. For example, I have been facing the dilemma of not being more social because of not wanting to fall into the trap of the old circumstance battle. For decades, my circle consisted of the toxic, addicted and self-centered. Later, as a Christian, it consisted of the same: toxic, addicted and self-centered. I walked away from one lifestyle and found that the religious are no different–just different poisons. So, I keep my circle small. I have a very small hand full of people outside of my family that I run with, and my best friend just moved very far away, which is sad, but I can deal with it. So, these old habits of seeing myself through the ways others define me is a struggle. I sometimes decline invitations simply because of my own personal fight.

Honestly, I have a hard time trusting that people are whom they say they are. Also, I’m pretty scarred. The battles of the past really have made me more introverted than I already was. I dare to say, “jaded”, but there is some truth to it.

Sometimes–most times–I’d just rather keep people as acquaintances rather than close friends. I know it is probably not the best way and that I may miss out on great opportunities at times, but it is what I have to deal with. Although, this is where my true definition takes off.

I now embrace the real about me. I’m alright with where I am in life. Life always changes. People always come and go. I have realized that it it all within me to properly adjust, to everything. The only way I can do this is through the power of God through Christ, within. I realize that the omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient Lord of all has it all figured out for me, and that my personal battle already has a solution. That solution is His power living within me, and the more I become in tune with His care for me, the more I embrace all that comes my way. I look at all of His majestic creation throughout the world, and I look at the chaos I create (that all of man creates) and know exactly where my true identity lies.

His creation; all that I am–that’s the real me.

The circumstances aren’t what defines me, but the way that I embrace them, is. I just keep saying, “Okay, Lord.”, as I continue down the road of inevitable uncertainties. I keep evolving into the person He already knew I would be.

10 thoughts on “The Personal Real

  1. This came at the right time for me, Damon, thank you. I’m going through a personal crisis at the moment and, this morning, feeling particularly panicky. I have trust issues too and, as a result, tend to isolate myself. Apart from my immediate family, I resist forming lasting relationships. I very rarely speak about my inner feelings but I feel comfortable writing this here as you have a similar mindset.

    You’re right, abiding in Jesus and allowing ourselves to be the creation He is making us to be will be enough. 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re welcome! We all seem to be so hard on ourselves, and, for me, it’s because of the ways the outside has washed away the true inside. That true interior being Him in me.
    Blessings. May things continue to get better for you. 🙏

    Like

  3. Hi Damon, In my younger days, I had a much wider circle of Christian friends than I do now. Some of that exposure was good and there were other aspects that were not so good. But in the midst of that wider participation were large holes or shortfalls with regard to my wife, my children and to a lesser extent, Christian and non-Christian friends. I think I did a lot of peddling but real growth with being yoked to Jesus was definitely lacking. And, as I have learned, peddling without being yoked to Jesus, really doesn’t accomplish all that much. Returning back to square one became a necessity because I finally realized that the connection to Jesus was not only critical, but also totally essential. In other words, if that connection isn’t there, nothing else really matters. Sometimes, the hardest lessons we encounter are within our own home and within ourselves. So I can identify with your realizations and decisions on how to proceed and I think, in essence, we all have to come to that same realization. Square one is ourself and Jesus and all things expand outward from there. My circle is also much smaller now, but this time, through God’s grace and mercy, each accompanying square that is added, has Jesus in it, and even these connecting squares are limited because there is still work to be done in each one of them. Jesus is the Shepherd, we are His sheep and He decides when and if to expand the circle. And most importantly of all, as you have stated, our true completeness is indeed in Him. I’m thinking that it is only as our realization of our completeness and trust in Him comes to be more fully realized, within the small circle we are in, that He decides to expand our circle. And when that happens, Jesus will let us know and we will indeed know it. God’s grace, peace and blessings to you and yours Damon.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Yes, I’m really beginning to see how He is with me, even when I’m not aware, no matter what season I may be in. That’s the part I’m learning to not worry about. Doing so, I understand more of this life and hear more of His voice in everything (sometimes immediately, most times eventually).
    Blessings to you and yours!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. “Okay Lord”, your last paragraph sums it all up perfectly.
    Keep pressing forward, hold on tight to Jesus’ hand and continue to follow His light. He will light the way to where you need to be. Enjoy your journey Damon knowing that Jesus IS faithful. Don’t be afraid to Love, give freely expecting nothing in return.
    Your honesty is an inspiration.
    Blessings

    Liked by 1 person

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