I suppose my willingness to remain strong comes from the constant fight to not fall victim to my circumstances again, and to not begin to see the world in the same ways that I used to.
It was once all that I was–my circumstances. It was the only thing that I defined myself as. Failures: circumstances. Wins: circumstances. No power to get on with life: circumstances. Just about anything and everything that I saw in myself was based on the outside, coming into play, within. People and their choices were the reason why I was the way that I was. The response from the world and others I would receive was exactly why I could not be happy or content. It was always an extrinsic, no matter what. My self-esteem was low because of it, and I never respected myself. I never loved myself. Too much concern with the way that others viewed me became the catalyst of my own death sentence. With that distorted view, my whole existence–my make or break–was either because of or not because of the peripheral.
I never wanted to take responsibility. Does anyone truly want to, “own it”, especially when it is clearly a sad, hard truth about one’s self?
Taking a look at the facts–the things that were truly going on within me–is what began and is what I continue to keep around.
Those old practices and habits sometimes try to draw me back into the vortex of thinking and believing the way I once had. For example, I have been facing the dilemma of not being more social because of not wanting to fall into the trap of the old circumstance battle. For decades, my circle consisted of the toxic, addicted and self-centered. Later, as a Christian, it consisted of the same: toxic, addicted and self-centered. I walked away from one lifestyle and found that the religious are no different–just different poisons. So, I keep my circle small. I have a very small hand full of people outside of my family that I run with, and my best friend just moved very far away, which is sad, but I can deal with it. So, these old habits of seeing myself through the ways others define me is a struggle. I sometimes decline invitations simply because of my own personal fight.
Honestly, I have a hard time trusting that people are whom they say they are. Also, I’m pretty scarred. The battles of the past really have made me more introverted than I already was. I dare to say, “jaded”, but there is some truth to it.
Sometimes–most times–I’d just rather keep people as acquaintances rather than close friends. I know it is probably not the best way and that I may miss out on great opportunities at times, but it is what I have to deal with. Although, this is where my true definition takes off.
I now embrace the real about me. I’m alright with where I am in life. Life always changes. People always come and go. I have realized that it it all within me to properly adjust, to everything. The only way I can do this is through the power of God through Christ, within. I realize that the omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient Lord of all has it all figured out for me, and that my personal battle already has a solution. That solution is His power living within me, and the more I become in tune with His care for me, the more I embrace all that comes my way. I look at all of His majestic creation throughout the world, and I look at the chaos I create (that all of man creates) and know exactly where my true identity lies.
His creation; all that I am–that’s the real me.
The circumstances aren’t what defines me, but the way that I embrace them, is. I just keep saying, “Okay, Lord.”, as I continue down the road of inevitable uncertainties. I keep evolving into the person He already knew I would be.