Battling the “ups and downs” of this life of mine can sometimes be an all out war. When the mood disorder that I’ve always had trouble balancing rears its ugly head–pulling in every direction, with the corruption of its character having the upper hand, I sometimes become engulfed within a funk with no real reasoning behind it. I’ll then attempt to find “reasons” for the way I am during those times.
I believe it is the past life, or, in other words, not the present moment that causes me to not only experience these bouts of depression and anxiety, but the attempted reasoning I push for when experiencing those extended periods of substandard. Anything I can find that I can point to: the hurt of the old wounds, the stress of work, the ungodly religious experience, the ways that people hurt because they themselves are actually hurting–the, “not nows“. All of these things and the things that I cannot pinpoint are in a yesterday; not in the now.
I had listened to a number of “self-help” audio books years ago, and a few actually focused on the power of now. Although I stray away from most of the authors of those books today, I still see just how important is is to stay grounded in the now….
even though I have trouble doing that.
The only time we have is the current, and the only thing we can do is be in the current. The past is history, and yet, we want it back.
That’s hard to swallow.
It sometimes seems as though I wasn’t served the life that I wanted, especially when I was young. I wasn’t conditioned in the “proper” ways in the developmental stages, and the results are what I now see in the mirror. The majority of my conscious mind is consumed by the yesterdays–it swims around in the present, being forcefully pulled by the undercurrent of the past. I sometimes wonder what it does to the subconscious without me even realizing? Yet, my reality is just this. I go forward in reverse within these times of low, searching for something from the past to blame it on.
Even though I know these things, I still battle. It will come again.
I’d be a crazy man without the help of medication. My brain of mush would misfire and send me into the, what would then be current, torturous hell that only I would understand. I’d have the puzzled faces staring at me, with the bodies behind them trying to analyze and help. So, thank God the stuff that works for me is available. It aids in the fight.
Right now, I’m good. The past several days, especially, have really tried me. And, in all honesty, the majority of the time I have been blogging has also tried me. These yesterdays were filled with the many posts of religious superiority that is so far from the truth of Christ, but tell that to the, “ordained”, or pious, in other words. I get so caught up in everything that is placed within view, and all that it does is obstruct the truth of His love for me. Some Christian bloggers truly have bigger psychological problems than I do. I digress. The now is good. The morning began with the current, usual, the way it had yesterday, funk. But, I recognized it. I stopped it. I realized it was in the now that I was starting to find reasons for it. Within that same now, I decided that the past is not relevant.
I think I’ll find good things to occupy my current moments, and, hopefully, I will continue to do so in moments to come.