Fell Off The Wagon…Again

I’ve been practicing an old habit in recent weeks.

Habits. They form. After trying something initially, and unknown desire drives our diversely-structured brains to feed upon it. To continue. Some of them are beneficial, while others are not so good.

In my particular case, a habit that I once held closely with a firm grip, slowly reared its destructive head within the last few weeks. Again, I was enticed by its power. Like a hungry kid staring at the display of candy, I wanted it. Picking the old, familiar flavor, I ate of the fruit.

The willingness to play the game with people, or in other words, to allow myself to be drawn into someone else’s madness, is the habit I chose. As a guy who’d always been in relationships and circles that had their destructive attributes (unseen in my blinded eye), the habit was the normal. Like smoking cigarettes for all of those years had been. I picked it up with each new day without a second thought. The willingness led to inevitable arguments, wasted energy and clouds of misery that would linger for days. But, that was just the way–a part of my life. I didn’t know there was any other option.

It’s funny how life has a way of making one stop to think about our ways, and it’s also a wonder when we fall back into those traps that we swore we would never fall into again. I changed my perspective after doing the soul-searching and spending some time with the Lord. Going over my life while studying the Bible, and disciplining the inner man. Introspect. I assessed; skimming the dross.

Unfortunately, I continue to find, within the instability of life, that almost nothing is guaranteed.

I put my faith in God, but the bad still comes. The old still creeps in. The habits still rear their grotesque heads. It’s part of the human experience.

So, I played the game. I lost. But, without loss, there is no lesson–there is no contentment in victory. I just look at the bump in the road and keep moving forward. Without getting hung up any longer, a new day brings the opportunity to just quit. And, sometimes, just quitting takes all that a man has within him.

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