Each day is a new opportunity to quit with the disapproval of myself.
I think back to those days when I was the butt of the joke. I had a group of friends who would make me the center of laughs. I allowed it. When we as young teens would get together, smoke pot and drink, the giggles came naturally. We were always high. Everyone would target me, for I had all of the makings for a good laugh. Being eclectic and a bit strange in my choices, my overall appearance kept people guessing. I had an unusual hair style. I wore clothes that were usually trashy, because that was all my mother could afford. I had my own sense of humor, not really like anyone else’s. Also, I would lie all of the time. My life was far from interesting, so I would make things up. Everyone knew it, but I did it anyway.
Inside, I was so full of emotions. My home life was a wreck and I didn’t see anything that my mother was trying to do for me; I only saw what she was doing for her. She would work her waitress job all of the time, and usually do next to nothing but smoke her cigarettes when she was at our dumpy mobile home. Until she married again, we had very little of anything. Those emotions were all that I/we knew, and they were of sadness and self-pity. I didn’t find out until later that my mother was fighting her own emotional battles, nor did I care. I alone was the victim of her and my father’s ignorance, only seen as their stupidity through my young eyes. I, and only I, was the one in need of rescuing. Life since has had a way of showing me that all are fighting a battle of their own kind.
Rebuke is something that I have been thinking deeply about throughout the past few months. I believe it started after realizing that I had no place in the little cults people call church. I realized that Rome, with their pagan-based traditions, began a faux church that is just as twisted in its material form today, no matter if one is Catholic, Protestant or a denominational adherent. It has been a topic I find entering my mind over and over in recent weeks.
Church made me realize just how sinful church really is. At the same time, it made me realize just how flawed I and all other people are. As for rebuke, I always felt as though my shortcomings–both past, and present-tense during those days of church life–were rational reason for the same emotions I had all of those years ago: sadness and self-pity. Believing that had me so far removed from the peace and joy I was supposed to be feeling in the presence of a loving God.
Is rebuking myself as well as others with a different set of problems that stem from their own reality, really helping in the quest for finding peace in Him? I think He knew full well why He must be hung on a cross for the sins of all of the world–past, present and future. He knew we were all failures in our own unique ways.
If God created me to be a man who carries emotions of sadness, self-pity, and a self-absorbed unhappiness over my own less-than-perfect truths, then why did I even arrive here? Why bother with someone–me–whom He loves, to know that misery is what it would take for me to prove my love for Him as I go about this life?
I have faith that God gave His Son for the sins of every human of the world, and that’s it. Nothing can be added. I look at myself and see how truly unstable I am. Any effort made to appease such a grand Creator is no effort at all in scale. Rebuking myself and others, as the church would have me do, was only making me believe that I was, am and will always be worthless. Back when I wore the funny clothes, I wasn’t sure how to fit in with the rest. When I lied to everyone, I wasn’t sure how being truthful would make me look good in the eyes of others. When I overlooked my mother’s hurt, an important facet of love did not yet reside within me. My lambasting is far from holy, and it’s unfortunate that so many who believe they follow God are consumed by chastisement.