I’m going to be completely transparent this evening, and it may disappoint a few.
There is a lingering sadness that hangs over my head. It is not a type of emotional condition that one may quickly identify with or relate to, but rather a true part of me that life has courteously thrown my way. I use the word sadness to define the overall condition I live with in order for the reader to understand. It’s just a word, but it is pretty damn accurate in this reference.
This lingering despondence is weaved into the very heart of me. Nothing helps to relieve the truth of the matter–not God, the pleasures of life, the love of others, or whatever you’d like to encourage me with. As I have reached this point in my life, it has been nothing but a search for a cover for an internal grief.
Read the blog. You will see a lot of the sadness that has beaten me down throughout the years. You may even say that I have allowed it to happen, or see that I do not give happiness a chance. Well, you’re not me, and you don’t know me. When people are on the outside looking in, the answers are obvious, even though they don’t know all of the facts. I have received so many encouraging words from people, but they are just words. Talk is cheap. Very few actions have accompanied those words. People are so full of themselves, and the older I get the more I see this fact. I am truly thankful for the few that actually show me that they are always there for me and truly understand the real meaning of compassion.
I have reached a place in my life that is not as the title would imply. I am not searching for hope anymore. In the beginning of my blog, I was always praising God and Jesus, and that was good for me at the time. Now, I don’t spend a lot of time doing so. I’ve come to the conclusion that this, “life,” is a huge mystery. I’m a thinker; a philosophical type. There are so many questions about life that aren’t nailed down with answers. Credulous people say that it is all found within the Bible, but most of them know as well as I do that they aren’t. Even those faithful Christians who claim ALL is in there. Yet, I have faith the Creator sent Christ to reconcile, as I do see an opposing force working within everyone, pushing morality into the corner–overlooked and neglected. Faith in a deity is just something I’ve quit questioning. Jesus is the answer for that, and that’s enough.
My “hope” is gone. Constantly searching for hope is a lost cause in such an unstable and imbalanced world. Hope is lost, for me personally. I had hoped for many things throughout life just to see it go completely awry. Why hope? Hope only brings disappointment.
The truth of the matter is that I am just going to exist from now on. Nothing more, nothing less. I will play the hand I am given and deal with it. All of this nonsense: stressing myself out over whether or not God is going to allow me into an eternal place of peace or cast me into a lake of fire, or if I will survive because of the hope I’ve placed in something, is now excused. The stress it brings is immense, and I’m completely sick of it.
Holding onto hope will not get what is coming to you. If you want something in this life, chase it. Go after it. But, don’t be surprised if things end up not going the way you had, “hoped.” The Maker of the universe has the last word and decides what we all get, so why hope for anything?