Something To Do

It is intriguing for me to observe the interests of others and to wonder why they do what they do. It’s also important.

Being a deep thinker is hereditary, I’m finding. As I grow older, I’m beginning to see just how much of my father is really in here. He would study people (not in a creepy stalking manner, FYI), observing their words, facial expressions and utilize what he would learn from them. He would write his poetry about them and what he had experienced while observing. I’m beginning to see how I do the same. When people express their lives by means of word and action, I take notice.

Being an only child in the middle of an adult family, and with no one within my extended family of my age, I spent a lot of time creating things by myself. I was never one to really have many friends growing up, and I know that it was because of the abnormal things I was exposed to via my parents. They were very toxic. I was always stressed out and focused on their madness. But, I was still a kid. I still had the desire to imagine and create. Looking back, I probably spent far too much time within my fantasies and not enough time developing social relationships. But, mom and dad were the hosts. It’s fair to say that I had friends that were far beyond my age as a child, as well as the creative side of me to keep me company.

With this in mind, I am looking at a fact within myself this morning: I am an observant introvert. Is it hereditary? Is it because of my development early on?

Standards are something that I value. Throughout my life, much time had been spent wasting away; destroying the physical with drugs and alcohol; numbing the residual, unaddressed anguishes I carried. In recent years, more time is spent on removing the things within me that are not beneficial. Introspection and self-assessment is important. I guess that comes from not only having a good support system, but also from the fact of having a family of my own to support. It’s not just about me anymore. The process has been a challenge because I’ve also had to learn to love myself.

I’m cautious these days. The people I allow into my life are chosen with caution, and it is because I know what I don’t want within my life. People bring all sorts of drama and unwanted crap I’ve already decided to remove from my life, and, being the overly observant person that I am, I spot those things within others easily. With that, I spend way too much time trying to figure out what made them the way that they are, with, usually, very limited information. My father in me, again. Unfortunately, people are eager to push their beliefs upon others with the hope of someone else agreeing, whether they be true or beneficial. Most people I know are respected acquaintances, but few are what I consider confidants.

Maybe God does have a plan from the beginning? Perhaps the lessons learned as I was dragged through the madness growing up had things to teach me in order to reach the current moment. I like to believe this is true. It sure seems as though the order is divine. I’ll just keep observing.

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