Writing is not as therapeutic as it once was.
I believe, in many ways, writing is an excellent way to process emotions. Unfortunately, my emotions have had a lot of control (probably due to the fact of being bipolar to a certain degree). I’m beginning to recognize how writing, while dwelling on the topics I choose to write about, more often than not cause me harm.
I’m certain the uneasiness I was really experiencing, underneath all of the assuring words of my posts about Jesus and God, led me to my current recognition. I always had a feeling of fooling myself into believing I knew, without doubt, “the truth.” I always felt as though I could win the argument about the Lord, no matter what question someone would throw my way. In all honesty, away from the writing platforms and while alone in my head, I didn’t really believe what I was proclaiming. Like now, I believe there is certainly a God–a Creator–and that Jesus, if anyone or anything, is the mediator between God and man. The only reason I even consider the Jesus factor is because of the Bible. I don’t need anything other than the natural world and its order to see God, but I digress.
I still have faith in Jesus. I still pray. He/it is still my way. Do I understand it all? No. I cannot figure God out and I will no longer try. Reading through the WordPress posts about God only adds to my problems addressed here.
The whole, “being human” gig is very difficult for me. I am very analytical and anal-retentive. Not much of a gray area within my thinking. So, instead of writing out my emotions, I am just doing things that bring me pleasure. If I need to step back and process my emotions, I do so, with either myself or also with people I truly trust and love. Away from this place I have made a habit of coming to, which usually results in battles with myself and others on a screen, I have a different view of life. A more therapeutic one. Since observing the majority of the writings here at WordPress, I am finding that others are also battling themselves in many of the same ways I am recognizing within myself. Not only do I not wish to add fuel to my own fire, but I also do not wish to fuel theirs.