Honestly…

Keeping the distance from most is probably what is best for me.

There is a difference within us all, I believe it is fair to say, when it comes to the relationships we have with others. Loved ones, friends, acquaintances–all have their places within our own perspectives. We all decide accordingly pertaining to how we should handle each one of them. I have been thinking about how my personal life has aided in determining how I handle and have handled each person.

It’s okay to keep certain people at a good distance. I seem to pick up on characteristics that I know would cause me harm later down the road if I were to associate myself with them for extended periods of time. Is that selfish? Maybe. But, in my own defense, I am overly observant.

Being someone who spends a lot of time focusing on introspection and self-improvement, I weed out negative influence. No, it’s not to make myself “better” than someone else, and it’s not to make myself feel better, it is just necessary. Many people allow themselves to become what others want. It is so disappointing to see just how many climb mountains in order to be validated and approved by others. I used to be that guy. I had to be someone I wasn’t in order to be a friend or in order to be loved.

I didn’t have a lot of support growing up. I had no siblings, lived the majority of my life with only a mother and her elderly parents, and when I did have a father around, he was usually hard on me. I had a stepfather for a few years, but we never connected. I suppose I ran to other people outside of family with the hope of them fulfilling the void I was not receiving at home. Yeah, I ran to them, and they either ran me off or used me….

Hence, the hardened man I slowly became.

It took a lot of years to stop hating people. Literally, I began to hate most people. I was so consumed with the fear of getting hurt by someone whom would, in the beginning, put on a good show and later disappoint. Just like all of the previous relationships. I can count on one hand the number of people who stayed loyal. They were blessings, in hindsight.

The hardened heart was, and continues to be, a difficult thing to shake. I am so thankful today for the people I do have who never gave up on me, and showed me that they love me by sticking around. But, unfortunately, I still have a lot of difficulty letting people in. I study people, and it is sometimes not fair to them as I assess. If I were to say to them what bothers me about them and how it is not beneficial, I would just get the, “you think you are perfect” spiel. No, no one is perfect, but not everyone takes the time to change what sucks about themselves.

I appreciate the ones who I know are trying to be better than they were, because they acknowledged how their actions were harming others. It’s maybe hard for others to understand why I am the way that I am, but I’m just tired of drama. Many people bring it. I like my peace and the people who bring peace. I guess it would be different too if people could just be more genuine, instead of putting on a low-budget show.

2 thoughts on “Honestly…

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