A thought late last night entered my tired mind. It was about a person from my past. The thoughts sort of took over, as I dwelled upon what the person and I had gone through, and how the eventual end of our days together sort of hurt us both.
This morning, I found myself still thinking about the person, but just a few minutes ago I was able to see what was going on. The facts are this: I am no longer there, in the past. I should not be caught up within the emotions that had been chipping away at the peace in the current moment. I should only have been observing those thoughts.
I’ve been studying thoughts for the past several weeks, and have concluded that my head is pretty messed up. That’s perfectly fine, though. All of our heads are, whether one will admit it or not. What I have learned is the mind can surely be an instrument of great and wonderous things, but it can also be the worst tool one can utilize. Many of us have no concept of observation of thought. We fail to be a bystander of our thoughts. We tend to be our thoughts, instead of recognizing that it is just in our head. Throughout my years, I believed that I had to be the way everyone else, or I, thought about (insert here). I had to be the competitor. I had to be the wiser one. I had to be the liked guy. I had to be the one with a person to complete me. I had to find some sort of fulfillment for that internal, empty space that I had, never really knowing what that void was. I had to be religious. I had to believe that I knew everything there was to know about God. I had to be…
Truth is, I never was! I never could be!
It was always because of my conditioned mind: to think that I was only what it would have me believe. I was Damon, the guy who strived to come up with all of these things to believe about myself. I was my history, my lineage, my past, my emotions, my regrets, and so on. I was a title at school, or at work. I had to fit into a social class. I was perceiving myself, through thought, to be limited; ONLY what I had thought.
This new concept is so new to me, and it is in the beginning stages of truly grasping, but I know it is true. Thoughts have been complicating my true essence. The habit began to take hold of my tired mind and body late last night and throughout the morning. I took a little journey inside of my head. It pulled me down and led me into the old environment, where the initial power of it’s drug is appealing. The latter withdrawal had me creating false narratives…
In my head.
Finding my true essence is still a mystery, but I know that it is not the stories I tell myself; my conditioned mind. What I do know is I am part of the conceptualized, and it is always obscured.