5:16 a.m.

Never before have I felt this way.

When the anxiety has left, the nervousness and tension from thinking about the past or future no longer holds me in its firm grip, and when I know that the only true time I have is this very moment, I am truly, “there.”

Yes, I’m there.

The question used to be asked as I would go about each day. It didn’t matter if I was able to convince myself in some temporary belief, for I knew the question would arise again. ‘Where am I? What am I doing? Am I really good enough?’ Over and over, I’d go through the motions. I’d fill my life with a person, place or thing to fulfill the undefined gap; the void.

Here’s the thing. I used to believe God was the absolute cure-all. But, in reality, that never worked. I’d always end up disappointed with myself, and it was because of what I had collectively learned while studying the Bible. In the long run, I was always trying to convince myself that it was the undisputed truth. A bunch of words, dissected, glued together and manipulated over the ages before it ever reached the last several hundred years, then translated, and so on…

It makes no sense to believe that it is not erroneous, or completely true. The only reason I did was because of the fear of going to a place labeled Hell…

I was never doing it right. Always on the verge of sinning just enough to send me to hell. Anxious. Never really content, or at peace like the God I was reading about had promised (or like the churches had tried to convince me to, “feel”).

If God created me to only end up there, in Hell, so be it. I “will” myself there? What a terrible game to play with someone you love. I’m no longer attached to a fear of spending an eternity in a fiery pit. I’m also currently interested in how the Romans twisted Christianity. It seems to me, so far, that they are responsible for this twisted religion that went from Jesus, to Christianity as we know it.

I digress. As I was saying, I’m there.

I know the old habits will resurface, but being able to observe my thoughts is becoming more of a habit in my daily routines. Just being present, silent, and conscious is now understood. It’s just the practice that I will keep going with. Through it, I’m recognizing just how uncomplicated my experience (as a conscious being) really is. It’s amazing to think about how this created body I live in, by an incomprehensible intelligence, can be at peace with the external…


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