To free myself of the addiction of overthinking is in the works.
I’ve spent some time going over the past few years of posts within this blog of mine in recent weeks. Writing about the experiences I had throughout time seemed to help me process the inner frustrations and insecurities. Being transparent, publicly, served as a therapy to help me identify those issues causing my emotional distress. It seemed as though this type was more effective than speaking to a professional. Psychotherapists seem to listen and write, while asking questions. Yet, I never understood why their feedback was so limited? Perhaps I just had the wrong people at the time. I began to write in a journal on this same laptop for a short time before purchasing a domain and meeting up with WordPress. It seemed like a good idea to share these experiences of mine. The objective from day one was to offer others my experience with the hope of them gaining some sort of understanding of their own experience. Through communication, I see that it did indeed happen. In my beginning stages here, I always had the intention of writing with a Christian-based perspective, for everything I had written about had aspects of a deliberate push towards being a good Christian.
The addiction of overthinking, unfortunately, was still a strong one. Most writings were settling, but they took many turns along the way. One of the biggest detours they had taken was after and during my experience with the diversity within the Christian community on WordPress. I’m sorry, but some people are out of their minds. As I would pick apart, study, fact check, read, argue, form strong opinions and sometimes lose sleep over the pride and ignorance I had found within so-called Christians, I began to lose myself. I began to really wonder if I was doing the right thing by following a God–the Judeo-Christian God–that no two people could completely agree upon. So MANY divisions. So many unanswered questions. Also, so many bloggers sure of themselves.
Things kind of went downhill several months ago with this whole blog thing. I began to really despise a lot of the Christian crap I was reading. Even if the message written by other bloggers contained truth, I’d dissect it and find something faulty. I now know why this was happening: because of my overthinking mind being led astray by pissy Christians and their self-perceived righteousness. I tell you, many Christians are some of the proudest people in the world.
I began to really distrust my own judgment and my faith in God began to fall apart. I had thought to myself, ‘Why would I want any part of a God who looks like these people?’ Honesty, I didn’t, and as of today, I still don’t.
The God question began to consume me. I fought with myself over it all for weeks on end. When coming to the conclusion of understanding that I won’t know the truth of this God belief until (possibly) after I’m dead, I can only sense it though the conceptualized, while assuming it is certainly a great possibility via means of the objective and subjective oscillation.
As I practice this new habit of observance of thoughts, the overthinking is becoming the lesser habit. I’m just fine with not knowing what God is all about. I’m fine with not being fine. I’m okay with seeing the Creator within the variation of my objective and subjective capacities. From here on out, I intend to implement the greatest of compulsions, which is becoming a silent observer of my mind. There’s a lot of noise I’ve been under the spell of for far too long.