In a recent visit to an old acquaintance’s website, I was again left with thoughts of inferiority and superiority swirling around within me.
The religious blog, specifically that which is built around Christian Apologetics, is sometimes a place I visit just to see if the writer is still stroking his own ego. You see, the writer and I once had a go-around which ultimately led to me having to block him from commenting on my posts. Apparently I was not a good “Christian” in his opinion. My posts were, at that time, not what his ego wanted to hear. His strong opinion–based on his Holy Spirit-led plethora of knowledge!!…geesh…–caused me to go through my own battle with the ego.
Maybe he was a part of the catalyst for my current place? Within the past few months, I have been on a journey that has been nothing like the one I had been on when I was strictly labeling myself as a Christian–back when that writer and I were doing little more than defending our egos and using the religion to justify ourselves. In those blogs, both his and mine, there was a lot of selfish talk and self-proclaimed coherency within our stances. We both defended those stances using Jesus as our kickstand. Looking back on my end of the deal, I recognize that my words were straight from the Egoic Mind, but I’m learning that it was all that I had known at the time. While now knowing more about that egoic position, as well as progressively learning about what is called the Pain-Body, a radical shift in Consciousness is beginning to unfold.
Consciousness, by definition, is loosely, sentience or awareness of internal and external existence. We could debate all day over a clearer definition within our thinking minds. My personal definition–through the ever-changing experience–is allowing me to recognize the inner stillness; the undeniable aliveness beyond the thinking mind and functioning physical body; the oneness all life shares with Source (or God if you like); the part of us many never understand because of a limiting conceptual view. By becoming consciously aware, my unconscious, conditioned mind is taking up less residence. There is now an outside view of what is going on within me. When thoughts and emotions take control (unconscious. opposed to conscious: just labels describing the two states), I fall back into a place the old ego loves to relish in–that place of negligence where I’m not silently observing it, without judgment, and seeing what my mind is doing.
My religious days are over. Who am I to think or to believe I know what Jesus was talking about? My belief is shifting to him knowing about Enlightenment, or The Kingdom of God within, or knowing how to be “One with Him.” It is no longer a practice of mine to proudly boast of knowing God (our Creator) in an entirety, or even in a fraction through an egoic filter, like I know some do. For centuries, man has tried to translate and define the words of Jesus and understand our, “un” conscious mind. People have ran to endless counts of belief systems and faithfully (selfishly, proudly and understandably) adhered to them. I’m content with not knowing and not adhering to one certain “religious” belief. It’s just not part of the truth, or of the reality I am experiencing. What is an undeniable truth for me is the parts the Egoic Mind and Pain-Body play.
The inferiority and superiority I had experienced after the recent visit to the old acquaintance’s website has passed. Unfortunately, it looks as though he is still suffering from both. I also know that I am too, but I’m taking the steps in the right direction by acknowledging it.