My mother had told me a few days ago that my peace is due to the circumstances at the current point in my life.
She is on the verge of finalizing her divorce. Her and I were having a conversation about the joys of life and how to recognize them in the moments of pain we all encounter in this life. As she was listening to my positivity through the filter of suffering she is currently experiencing, I couldn’t agree with her statement about my joy simply deriving from circumstances appearing to be better than her own.
Circumstances are ideal, I suppose one could say, if they were to look at my life conceptually. Although, I could easily find all of the negatives within my life and make it into the obscurities she has taught me to view it through. My mother and I have our history. She and I were living a great portion of our lives together when I was growing up. I watched and learned as she would bask in the suffering of her own thinking mind–chain smoking her cigarettes as her thumb rested in her chin. That is a vision that is burned into my mind. She was always in deep thought as she allowed the narratives of sorrows to consume. For many years my mind was being conditioned to do the same. She and I were codependent within our views of the world, within limits of the unhealthy patterns of thought.
We had this conversation about the observation of thoughts. It is difficult to talk about it with her when I am now in a state of liberation from a lifetime of identifying myself through thoughts, instead of being the silent observer of the thoughts. It is a new concept to me and a completely foreign language to her. She is completely consumed by fear, and I recognize that it is the thoughts outside of now and the mind-made sense of self that she suffers from. Knowing this and communicating it to others whom do not understand is a great challenge. It is a deeper challenge for my mother and I. I love her so much and simply wish to share the liberation with her.
This new way of viewing all situations that appear within the ever-changing universe is becoming less of a challenge. I now realize that within my deeper self is a presence of peace and joy that is the essence of our Creator. The life which emanates in all things created is now an unexplained illumination for me. As I take in the world through the senses and observe the thoughts that arrive, I still find that the core of peace remains. I now see the thought patterns that I’ve always identified myself with are only the little stories created in the head, outside of the present moments (past and future). Undoing the stitching of my crafted garment of suffering is a task.