In hindsight, the quest for understanding God had really screwed me up.
My mother and I had a treacherous conversation the other day. It sometimes ends up being a disaster, and it’s usually my fault. It is difficult for me to listen to a miserable and repetitive cycle of thought patterns that are conveyed in the same series of words nearly every time I meet with her. I asked her a question the other day: “What do you focus on outside of the situations at hand?” These situations I speak of are all things pertaining to her current divorce. My mother is in her late sixties and has a soon to be ex husband who decided to move to the Philippines and start a new life with a woman nearly half his age. Needless to say, it is tough for her. For the most part, my mother has a “Catholic” fundamental view of marriage, although sometimes I find that very hard to believe or understand based on her past decisions. Nevertheless, she longed to be a good wife dedicated to her man. The marital situation was complicated, and I’m limited to the information, but a big issue which led to the divorce was his poor decisions while married to my mother. He cheated, lied, manipulated, played games, acted as a child. I had my own share of experiences with the unstable man.
The man never believed in the same God my mother had, or does. Going to church–the few times we all had gone to a Protestant church together–was a theatrical spectacle for me. I would watch his foot twitch and his body squirm as he would, most likely, think about something far removed from the message coming out of the preacher’s mouth. Probably thinking about food, or gambling. Maybe he was listening? While my mother and I took up the imparted interpretation of the Bible, I never thought that I would later too be squirming–for much different reason.
As time went on, and as time took me away from those days of sitting through sermons that I squirmed my way through, the divorce of my mother and G—— was drawing near. What was also drawing near was the big fallout my mother and I had because of her personal mess with the man. He left her, and I had to put up my personal boundaries to keep my own sanity. She and I could not communicate because of our mania; hers due to a tragic divorce, and mine because of being sick of trying to believe in something that went against the very grain of me.
During that unfolding time apart from my mother, I had a deep awakening which would ultimately bring me into this present moment of clarity. You see, after the go with the Christian religion, and after realizing that no one is able to understand it–like ALL Christians, whether they admit it or not, I became aware of the only truth that is universal: Consciousness. Yes, in a nutshell, it is the only thing I cannot deny. So my “faith” if you will lies solely in the consciousness of life as we know it. I can study theories, agree with teachers and gather my own understanding, but I’m finding that all that lies upon the surface of the conscious mind; all things apart from the consciousness as far as one can comprehend, is nothing more than a construct of thought. Specifically meaning, all that I had tried to give definition to in my quest for a god has diminished. No longer do I try. Perhaps Jesus came close to understanding? I no longer rely on or believe that a god who created such a lovely world full of lovely creations would destroy His Son to appease himself, and all of that other gibberish men constructed within their minds.
This true story of mine is just another writing that serves as some unknown purpose in the blogging community. What isn’t true is the answer I received from my mother when I asked the question. Not verbatim, but her response was along the lines of, “This is all there is right now.” Meaning, her focus is never anywhere else besides upon her marriage and the thoughts that drag her into the pits of misery. I’ve offered my mother some information, specifically a book titled “The Power Of Now” by E. Tolle. You know from my blog how much I value what he has taught me. Unfortunately, my mom won’t have it. She will come up with one excuse after another to not change anything outside of what she believes. Even while I know that the observation of thought can change the whole world of an individual, and that the same information I’ve obtained is available to her, some people do not step out of their comfort zones. Although, after my conversation with her, and after she ran away after hearing me say, “You don’t want to learn anything new,” I later realized that some are not ready to let go of the suffering we find here. Even the Christian communities enjoy the suffering.
As I look back in a time that no longer exists, the events have shown me just how unstable this life is. The unhinged mind will grasp at many different things to acquire a means to an end. Some are religious, some find it in inanimate objects, and so on. Yet, all of it is temporary. People will rely upon it and still be miserable people inside, but it is all they know. It is the only way they know. After reading the book that I have and knowing that all things eventually end, I don’t need to live my life believing that a coming time or place will relieve me of the mind. Just being conscious–the only universal truth–is the only way to begin to comprehend a Creator. To recognize the thoughts as what they are, and not what they have us believe, is an awareness that liberates us from the confines…
But many hate that.
I’m just tired of being screwed up from a religious delusion and a mind that constructs narratives of untruths. Getting it thought to others, and especially my mother of whom I love deeply, is a challenge. Maybe in the many nows to come I will be able to contribute to another’s awakening. For now, I will just rest peacefully within the undefined driving force that keeps my heart beating and the world turning, without trying to wrap my mind around it.