Pardoned

Bitterness was always something that I was accustomed to, but thanks to other bitter people, I’m now realizing why that was.

In the recent weeks exchanges with others has tested my patience on several levels. Practicing the pause: a moment of consciously comprehending what is involved within an exchange and not reacting / responding while emotion is welling, has not been easy. However, the constant and indispensable practice of thought observation is always a prerequisite in the back of my mind. I make it so mandatory that the majority of my days are free of those anxieties that I always had to carry along. This is not to say that I no longer have situations that are of great challenge.

I’ve never been much a social person due to my past experiences. Residual scars that have left me with the habit of disconnecting quickly from others if a situation or trivial threat presents itself is very hard to shake. Tell the burn victim that the fire isn’t hot! I formed a deep distrust throughout my developmental years and it carried over well into my teenage years. I realize, yet it is a parasite I continue to host. I will honesty say that I’ve come a long way, though. There are certain individuals that have entered my path in recent weeks that have truly tested the ego, and I know that this egoic self within is why I’m bothered by the recent exchanges. Yet again, my residuals. Like the cyamids of whales, it travels along with me.

So these exchanges have been hard, to say the least. Two people in particular–one family, one not–have challenged my ability to observe my thoughts before responding. The reaction within emotion, instead of response, though more subtle than it had been in the past, told observation to take the back seat! There are things that people say and do that I truly know are just flat wrong. When I see someone destroying not only themselves but others because of their ignorance, I still strongly feel as though I must intervene…

I did intervene. I did allow my emotions to lead.

I also did a fairly unusual thing in both instances. Observation soon returned (although delayed and after the damage done) and the realization of what I have always done to others was recognized within their bitterness. I recognized within these individuals the same patterns I am currently trying to let go of. It was not an issue that lingered within me that absolutely had to be corrected by my big mouth; I didn’t have to have the last word or set them straight.

It is very freeing when you become something you’ve never been able to be because of things never learned. I still have a long way to go with this whole thing. Maybe soon I’ll be a little more tolerant with people. Bitterness is not something I need to keep carrying around. I’m learning that all things can pass away after the present moments of difficulties end. In turn, I am learning what remaining present truly means.

8 thoughts on “Pardoned

  1. “It is very freeing when you become something you’ve never been able to be because of things never learned. I still have a long way to go with this whole thing.”

    It’s so very freeing indeed! When I first broke away from fundamental Christianity, my thoughts and emotions were very raw. However, the more I distanced myself from it and put an end to getting engaged in heated discussions, the more peaceful and happy I became – free to pursue a spirituality that felt authentic to me. In time, the other stuff ceased to matter.

    Keep going with it, Damon!

    Liked by 1 person

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