The constant stream of “talking” within the head sure has a lot to say.
It is truly amazing when one encounters a personal breakthrough that alters the way he or she experiences their world. That has been the case for me this year. A medication has been removed in recent months, and even though I am incredibly thankful for the blessing of having it when I did need it, the psychiatric drug now rests elsewhere. The doctor had asked if I was ready to get off of it during a visit months earlier, and at the time I had told her that I wasn’t. Although a few months ago I did decide to go ahead and face the fear of being without the drug that I thought I’d never live without.
Several weeks has passed and the beginning stages of being without the drug were a bit unstable, but not terrible. I do think that it was because of a combination of the conditioned mind believing that I could not handle myself without the drug, the past reasons why I was put on the med in the first place, and the fear of what I may turn into without it. Fear, mainly. In the beginning before finding the miraculous drug, to put it lightly, I had some serious mania. Look at the blog and I’m sure you will see me talk about it in the early writings. You’ll probably even see it in the content of my writing form.
So, I had mentioned the conditioned mind. You can learn about that here. The conditioning of my mind is complicated, and each one of us has a unique conditioning. The way I was experiencing my world, while the conditioned mind was not yet a thing I was familiar with, was completely controlled by the voice within the head. All of the things that I would think about is what I would become, and becoming that insanity destroyed a lot of opportunity. It also took me back into the darkness of the past, dragged it into the present and provided a lot of pertinent reason for the way I was–the poor, pitiful me. My conditioned mind had me believe that I was all of those secrets, demons, failures, fears, and so on.
It is amazing how a bit of information about what really goes on within us can change the whole way of experiencing this life. Through the observation of mind patterns, I’ve successfully been able to really take a look at the thoughts that come and go. Very seldom do I get so absorbed in a train of thoughts that I lose control of what is really taking place. Or in other words, instead of becoming my thoughts, I view them. Since the practice is now available and continuously understood, I know why the drug was necessary then, and why it isn’t now.
Take a look at the things you think about. It may be a fear that you need to face. But do understand that this is my personal experience, and I am not downplaying yours.