Pulled From Within

Picking up a children’s book from the shelf this morning while dusting, I noticed the title of the book that contained the words, “Daily Devotions.” My curiosity led me to a page within it that illustrated a child looking up into the sky and apologizing to God for doing something wrong. While sitting in front of the book shelf with the thought still swimming around, I had a realization of the conditioning we are all in cahoots with.

It is a marvel I often find myself spending time on within the stream of thoughts–the many, many complexities that define each person we encounter. I confess to seeking out one certain individual here at WordPress just to see what he has come up with in his personal view of Jesus. When doing so, the past comes into play as I look back on he and I’s exchanges. When I identified myself as, exclusively, a Christian, or a Child of God in my personal choice of title, the blogger and I agreed most of the time. At other times we would argue over the Bible and who was correct in our individual findings. Needless to say my parting from the religious identification and many of the beliefs within led to a fallout with the guy. Yet, I still peek at his writings and gather my own conditioned view of his musings.

Why do I do this?

There is no answer, really. I could come up with an explanation that fits, but after more thought it would change. It would surely change after absorbing another fresh writing from him. I suppose the short answer and honest one is the same as his in a sense: we want a solid answer to a very wobbly question, “Who and what is the truth?” In his quest, it is the truth of Jesus. In my quest, it is the question of why we all think we are so damn correct all of the time.

It must be like trying to hammer that nail into the sky–impossible, yet we both try to do so. It seems as though we both try to pin down something that rests on a fulcrum that never allows a balance. As soon as we think it has reached a balance that we achieved, something forces it about again.

Like the little drawing of the kid looking up into the sky on the page this morning, he and I both are still doing the same thing. When he and I looked up together under our self-given title to apologize to daddy for being immoral, we felt bad for hurting our invisible watcher of judgment. It was the way we were conditioned to think way back when, even if we weren’t raised religiously. I don’t know if he was. The illustration on the page certainly reminded me of a time in our Catholic household when I was little. When you did something bad, you apologized. Ultimately, because God said to do so. I still find myself after moving out of the ridiculous belief he and I once shared, bamboozled when reading the views he writes. His narrowed view of the whole universe, derived from his personal conditioning of everlasting, unbalanced solidarity. Still, that little kid that was introduced to a belief that never left. Saying, it is Holy Spirit that tells him all of this. Saying it is all the truth.

I refuse to hold onto many things as I keep going on the journey. The nail in the sky, I’m finding, can be fastened with a belief. But in any case we reason with within our conditioning, it is only that, a belief. It seems to become more of a problem for many as they grow from a child–they want definitive answers. The child just wants the inherited joy God gave them. It’s a shame the conditioning takes that away from us all. We get the problem both he and I share, which is the need to be right about a view of the same thing. The arguments we sometimes spend so many hours upon that don’t have an answer–like the sky that won’t allow the nail to fasten–sure does leave the child we were supposed to become again (as Jesus instructed) in a tormented place.

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