The life I once lived has a way of creeping back into my life when it is addressed by others.
It is probably safe to say that all people have parts of their lives that they would rather forget about. A brief conversation with someone I love touched on things from days that are no longer here. Yet, like most, it was clear that the other remembers the events of those yesterdays. It was also clear that my decisions and words were harsh during those times. After waking up from a deep sleep, I sit and fight with the thoughts and memories that I really don’t see as relevant, but it still hurts to see the other still caught up within the bad decisions I had made all of those years ago.
This fucking blog was a topic discussed. WordPress has been an outlet for my personal views. A woman I am acquainted with suggested a blog, most likely because of my religious beliefs. Being vocal on Facebook when it came to the truth of Jesus was a habit, and since she and I shared in the faith so deeply she suggested that I start a blog so a bigger audience could view my witnessing. If you knew me then, you would have seen that I was a bit over the top with the posts; quoting the Bible and pretty much telling people that they were horrible if they didn’t believe. That is what a lot of Christians do, and I sure found that out after landing here. After the discussion I had last night I’m beginning to see how the development of this blog has brought me to a sort of regretful place in my current mind.
A few words were said that had me thinking about the truth. Like every other person on the planet, I like to hear myself talk. I enjoy telling others my personal view, and when I was that good Christian boy with the seal of approval in the eyes of God, I had a very good reason to show the world that my voice mattered. Now look, I’m still doing it in a more subtle way. Now I just type out the ego-driven nonsense that I personally find to be important. Who truly gives a shit? I hold onto the site with the hope of showing others something that they will personally find useful, but after the conversation last night, I’m beginning to think that it is the opposite through a view outside of my own.
Maybe we should just sit back and let the world destroy itself and keep our opinions to ourselves? Let the religious and philosophical just be a voice that others will agree with, just so the stroke of ego will enhance their day for a period.
The talk we had last night had me, it really did. All of those intertwined feelings between us were touched on, but they resided within me, even this morning. I sit and think about how the need to be heard as a witness of a religious belief has morphed into the same need in a completely different mindset. Is it human nature to want to been seen and validated? Is it really? Is it just because of the way society has constructed these different outlets and platforms that allow for little voices to be heard? Maybe writing in books would be better, and then burned after I’m dead.