People who aren’t honest with themselves sure don’t make for good acquaintances, friends or lovers.
The weekend was a bit longer since it actually began this past Wednesday for me. It was nice to have the extra days off from the labors at work. My Wednesday began with a few hours at the lake. Even though I didn’t catch any fish, the simple joy of being there was a helpful and needed luxury. The lake in the early morning used to be an escape for myself and a few coworkers years ago. We’d rise at very early hours on Sundays and set up our gear on the south side of the water.
What a good time it was being there this past week. Even being alone without those people I knew over ten years ago had such a way of recalibrating my peace. The sun and landscape was pleasing to the soul. The reflection of memories there at the lake with others brought on many smiles.
I left that morning and headed to a restaurant for a good meal. After too many calories, I headed home for a nap. Rising late in the day had its advantages. I was able to complete some work I had been putting off while the kids slept and my love was at work. Overall, it was a good first day of a short vacation.
Then, throughout the next few days, a change occurred.
My sometimes obsessive need for introspection took over many times throughout the last few days. I suppose it was because of several factors–one huge one being the relationship with a blood relative. It has a way of keeping me down, even though I’ve become pretty good at the awareness of thoughts and emotions. Yet, the residual isness of my reality had a lot of time to reside with me in my extended break of routine. So the days became deeply consumed with the relationship I have had and currently have with my relative. The thoughts of the way it is with them–past, present and in a future they insist on dwelling upon–took over many hours of my days. It loomed, but instead of fleeing from the threat, I opened myself up to the menacing thoughts and emotions.
At least I was able to brush it off at certain times. I was still able to spend much of my time alone getting things done around our home. When the nights came, that is when the introspection and realities would keep me in a daze of self-pity. I knew that these things that I was doing to myself were not good, but I allowed the truths of my life to stand before me. Instead of pushing the real under the rug, as I had always done when I was not brave enough to observe my thoughts and emotions, I faced it all. I dwelled. I allowed it all to destroy my vacation. It all began to destroy the same peace and joy thoroughly embraced at the lake Wednesday.
The old habit began late yesterday and into this morning after rising–that way of holding onto thoughts and emotions that turn trivial and insignificant situations into larger problems than they truly are. Thoughts and emotions that stem from an underlying cause that turns the mole hill into a mountain. There was a situation with my wife and daughter last night that only became something profound because of where my head was. It caused a problem last night, and that problem was still here when my wife arrived home from work. I was sitting at the island this morning having my first cup of coffee when she walked in. Her kiss was followed by her notice of my obvious unease. My wife knew that I was dwelling. We had an exchange of words that turned into a great understanding of where I had been for the last few days. The beauty of it all was just how close we were able to become after I explained how nothing she or my daughter had done was the true situation that had caused my careless reeling.
All of those years ago my friends and I would gather at the lake and gab for hours while many times catching no fish. We were just there to be friends; to share our joy. As I sat on that south bank Wednesday, I noticed how those people were now gone. They went away. They were there for a season in my life. The thoughts and emotions not observed all of those years ago while taking on the many complexities between us all as individuals led to our parting. I couldn’t stand the lies of one, and the other became the addict I didn’t want to be. Perhaps I became the man with high walls and high standards expected from fallible people that, really, ran them off? Back then, I didn’t notice that was the way I was to such the extreme.
I wasted a lot of valuable time not allowing myself a mini-vacation full of rest and relaxation. Although I did find more of myself within the self-analysis. I found that our unawareness of the real us will certainly bring us to places where we are not understood or welcomed. Our ignorance of not looking at our thoughts and emotions can, many times, leave us woeful.