I give thanks for the terrible situations.
This morning is a dark and rainy one. The water is showering on the tin roof attached to the back portion of our home. I sit and write within shelter as the calming rain beats down on the metal, and it somehow reminds me of times that were devastating.
Those little misunderstood triggers that bring about memories of times that only exist in the brain. It’s interesting to me. The smells I notice at times can take me back to an exact moment, no matter how many years ago. The songs I hear will do the same. This peaceful noise of rain hitting the roof–so nice. As it gives me a sense of ease, it has taken me away from the warmth of this home; this early hour of waking with nothing to challenge me. It takes me back to the pain.
The difference is, truthfully, I don’t dwell like I used to. Pain is still a possibility, sure. If my wife were to die, that would hurt. Situations would serve up different degrees of emotions that would have to be dealt with. What the rain has given me this morning is the memories of the past that I kept bringing up, causing great sorrow in times that were supposed to be okay.
Yes, I used to let the dark clouds come and pour their grief down upon me. A thought would churn and stir, leading the emotions. I could think of a death of a loved one or a simple sentence someone had said, and fall into the trap. The grief was never observed when this would happen–it was only a pit of quicksand. Surrender was the only way. Succumbed by the endless hours of suffering. Just thoughts in the head. Little images of replay. The how it made me feel then, tied with how it made me feel as the rains would fall from the clouds I had invited.
The rain has stopped.
This writing is being wrapped up at the same time the rain decided to quit falling on the metal outside. It serves as another reminder. All things come to pass. All things. Keeping the hurt alive in our heads is not an acceptance of this fact. Many times, we refuse to accept the isness of the life we experience. It takes us away from the now; out of the peace and warmth around us.
That rain, now gone, leaves me peacefully grounded in the silence of the present calm.