Saturday mornings often seem to be a time of reflection, especially the first few minutes upon waking.
I sat in the kitchen staring out of the window while thinking about the many moments that have collected throughout the past week or so. There were so many “ways” that I recaptured as I stared hard into the treetops outside. Ways. It is the ways in which the unfolding of life has crafted everything within and without, up until this very moment. All that I have become because of those ways.
I listened to Alan Watts read the beginning chapter from his own autobiography. It was a radio show from 1973. A gem I found on YouTube. I love to hear him talk. He is so transparently honest, and what I like most about the late Mr. Watts is how he did not ever try to sell anyone a belief or view. He simply presented. Sure, he had opinions, but it was always up to the viewer or listener to conclude. So, I was listening to his words yesterday, and as he and the interviewer talked about his opening chapter, many things about myself began to come to light. There was a very revealing and plausible way in which Watts had described his own life that made me realize just how similar my own has been in the recent week.
He truly hit the nail on the head when he talked about how he accepts all that he is. A man who is able to really see that he is truly a wiggly mess of form is truly free indeed. I sat in the kitchen this morning and really saw a few truths within myself, and many of them weren’t that great. I thought about those thorns in my side, the lack I believe I possess and the emotional disaster I have been throughout my life. I also saw just how turbulent the world is and how it pulls me in many different directions. I saw the progress made within me–no longer short-tempered, or quick to jump to conclusions about the man or woman, whom I know little about, who displays shady characteristics. The little changes that come with the maturing me. I thought about how silly I am when I look in a mirror. Analyzing myself. Dissecting all that I see in there. I thought about the disgusting thoughts. I thought very little about the love, compassion, care for others and nature. But that is all a part of me, too. I thought about that truth as well–how I tend to dwell upon the negatives, and how the current world probably has a lot to do with that. All and all, I thought about the reality of the way it is. That is just the way it is.
Mr. Watts did not identify himself with any certain religion, he only presented what he had gathered from many different religions. He was a great teacher in the respect of what Eastern and Western religions were and are constructed of. It was never about believing or worshiping. He simply presented. He presents a lot of truth when I hear his words and process the information. In the current seat I now rest in, I see my life in a different way. It is not a religious one, nor a rigid one that I believe I MUST hold together because one of these days I will be judged for all of my humanistic flaws. I am beginning to see that of which Mr. Watts found for himself: The wiggly mess.
It is truly liberating to know that within each moment of this thing we call life, I am part of life. It is not “my life,” I am life. Life, in all of its wiggles.