For A Day

It is the first day of another year, and it is truly a different energy than any other year thus far.

The end of the calendar marks the holidays that bring family out of the personal schedule and into gatherings with family and friends. It was so different this now past year for my family and I, at least through my view of it all. Bringing family together many times ends up being a drag for some. It is people with their history we often try to forget but end up remembering once a trigger ignites the memory. Truth is, at get-togethers with my family, I had been the one who would end up opening my mouth about previous times or dirty little secrets I had learned about individuals. I caused the drama. It was just something I found to be humorous with a buzz from a few drinks. There was also the period for a few years there where my extreme religious experience was ruining me. Every flaw in someone else was corrected if I had felt the need. These two miseries of the past had a way of killing everyone’s spirit during times that should have been cheerful. I made it all about me, unbeknown.

Letting go has changed my perspective of the whole world.

Yes, letting go. Not your conventional reasoning I assume most would conclude. People have their need for holding onto the many possessions that help them along. Faith, grudges, comparisons, anger, or whatever you can put into the slot. It is just a simple way of describing how I’ve come into a new sense of direction for myself.

Last year had pivotal occurrences. I am the recovering Jesus freak and anal-retentive bighead. It had to be acknowledged in my own mind that neither are good for me, let alone anyone else. The turning points of both are not really defined with a certain date or time, but both were recognized somewhere in 2021. I speak only for myself here. Neither one was doing me any good. There were things I had noticed while sorting through the two within myself that were destroying me. I could not be the true person I was–the one I remembered and many around me remembered when I was younger. The young man with a gleam in his eye and a spring in his step. The one who was always happy outside of the traumatic situations experienced due to someone else’s hand. I got that back towards the end of the year through understanding that I am not sure of what or who God is, or what the facts are. I believe in one, but I don’t need to define it. That was the beginning of all that followed. I began to see the internal persona of not only myself, but all people. We are a bunch of complex human beings that carry diversities, but we are all the same. We are just like the next–imperfect, and perfect in our own beautiful ways. Just like the universe. Just like the life that cannot speak–the plants and animals. We are just a bit more advanced, and it truly has many of us convinced that we are the most important out here in space.

I noticed how my need to hold onto the past and uphold its conditioning while blindly bringing it into present moments was a real thing. An eye opener for me. It had to be let go as well. Introspection and knowing that I am no different than any other person has been a catalyst for being a kinder person. I’ve noticed that a lot more than not, my attitude and what reciprocates is nice. I feel so much warmer and from what I understand, it shows. People seem to carry a different vibe around me. The scrunched-up face is not what I see in the mirror much anymore. There are other subtle ways in which I’ve changed, but it does stem from the letting go I’ve described.

Control. That is the word I was looking for. Self-control is understood and utilized when needed, but the need to control others and their ways is leaving me. It is a mystery to understand why I had to do it for as long as I did, but I know exactly through the observance of thought when I’m picking someone too much. Residual pain within me, most likely. Letting the world unfold, within reason, is like the blossom–it reveals the uniqueness in all things. What is revealed can now be seen in its richness, instead of my harbored negative energy taking the life from it. Letting go of what doesn’t need to be tethered is how this year is beginning. It is nice to be me again.

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