People sure do get themselves into some very strange situations. I had a friend who would collect junk, and it didn’t matter what kind of junk it was. I’m sure he is still doing it. What could he possibly do with a used toilet seat or hundreds of axe handles? I never saw the inside of his house, but I can only assume it is full to the brim with thousands of objects. It was a notion the more I got to know him that he was a hoarder. Why? Is it because something is missing in the life he has? Something isn’t there?
The world has a lot to choose from. I used to think that my image was of the utmost importance. That’s what school did for me. It was a huge competition where I grew up, especially in the early teen years. Fortunately, now that I look back on the way things were, I had very little to show off at school. No Nike shoes or Levi’s, I had the Pony sneakers and the unbranded jeans from Kmart. But it did hurt at the time. There were often comments made about the kids who dressed like I did, and the groups you’d fall into depended a lot upon how you looked. I ran with the poor guys, I suppose. A few of the opulent allowed me to be me, but the majority only wanted to be seen with those like them. Hmm, not much has changed in our society. Birds of a feather flock together. Many people are driven by the need to be recognized and they do whatever it takes to look good for the world. That’s not a bad thing, but it can be. It comes down to the heart of an individual. A good heart can wear the nastiest tattered shirt, and the ugliest heart can wear the $900 Jordans. Sometimes the ugly wear the flashy outward appearance because inside they stink of wretched piss.
I have an ongoing problem. I smell the same odor coming from my own inner man at times, but I can honestly say that the blackened heart I used to carry in the cage has been freed from self-induced sufferance. Back when I was a kid, the need was different. I got so lost in trying to figure out who I was and just how to fit into the awkward social sea of others. I never really had opportunities because of what was going on at home. I made a place for myself. Those places, outside of the skateboarding, school band and the drugging days, were all about me and my interests. But hey, being a skater in the early nineties meant dressing grungy and my family could afford grungy! No siblings and a wrecked homelife left me with my own thoughts and interests. Thinking about some of the weird crap I used to do makes me glad that I became the person I am today. I was once told many years ago that I was a strange man, and that guy hit the nail on the head. The ongoing problem…no, I’m better with calling it a situation–the situation that I carry, and it is because of the desperation of finding what was missing–the need–is the big question of what it is exactly that we are? The God question / the genuine answer. You know, the rest of the story. I was indoctrinated and convinced at one time that the Christian version was it, but that fell apart the more I tried to convince myself. There is far too much masochism and sadism involved. No thanks. I see love in animals and the imperfect perfection in all of nature, so I’m not with a book painted with loose ends and a god who can’t make up his mind. The god who made the good and evil and played a giant game with himself. Wha!? Anyway. Sorry if I don’t agree with the whole Jesus show. To each their own. I’m just not one to finish up because of fear and find the answer to my big question. Everyone has the same question as I do. I just think it is a shame that we cannot exist without not knowing, but at the same time I see why people love to lace up the religions and wear them proudly. Back to the odor.
What had turned me into the man with the black heart with the inner stench was the past experiences, the drug abuse, and that need that was never fulfilled. Yes, and then the religious thing. Nothing filled because THERE IS NOTHING TO FILL. That’s hard to digest, even for me. It took forty-plus years to realize, and it will take a while to accept it for what it is. Living a life without knowing the answer to the big question is fine. Just as fine as collecting inanimate objects because one thinks they need to. I do have love, which is cool. We need that in this life. It seems to bring a lot of good in the place we call home, on the planet we call earth. So, when I’m called a “worldly man” by the Christian, yes. I am. I don’t believe in a little devil corrupting my flesh. I just believe that people get themselves into strange things within the world, which twists the complicated inner man, with results that sometimes reek of piss.