The Identity Dissolve

I had a hard time yesterday with a decision. Probably one of the biggest challenges I’ve had in months. But it was through the final decision made that I felt the pull, while then challenging myself to make it through.

This particular thing that was poking at me was something that had been prevalent in years before–once again it reared its ugly yet tempting head. I was taken back to an earlier time in my life and felt the emotions attached to the way it was for me. That emotion began to stir in my entire body throughout the day yesterday. I fought like hell to keep it off of my mind, but the old friend kept encouraging me to give it another go. Throughout the evening and even into the very time I had laid down to rest, it was there.

This morning I am very happy to say that my decision to not pick up something from the past, because I don’t need it anymore, seems to be just like the struggle of yesterday…gone.

The nag: that emotional wave; the anxiety I had felt that had sent burning sensations throughout my legs and placed some sort of tension within my head. I felt it all. I saw it. That is a marvelous breakthrough for me. I cannot say how many years it had been for me to not see, not observe the link between thought and effect on the body. Honestly, my mind almost killed me at times. The underlying cause of mental anguish and the constant anxiety was not observed, because I simply didn’t know how to do so. Cognitive behavioral therapy was a turning point when I had reached my lowest several years ago, and I hate to say that it was a religious experience that aided in putting me there in voluntary outpatient therapy. I was already ashamed of myself, then to be thrown into more shame in church with an abusive God, well, that was then, and it didn’t fix the underlying. Religion only racked my brain and caused me to feel more pain than I had ever experienced growing up. But yesterday, through all learned about my brain and how that complicated thing works, and along with the observation of thought, my little dilemma yesterday took a hike.

The last several months have brought about challenges–heck, my job alone is a daily challenge, both physically and mentally. But seeing just how I think about the realities before me while practicing presence is keeping me in a state of awareness. Enlightenment, even in its subtleties, has changed my perspective on all things. And don’t get me wrong, the word enlightenment doesn’t mean that I’m some Buddhist guru or floating on air, it is just a word for what I know of myself. I know what it is to no longer be what I had been in a past. I see with a bit more clarity when it comes to the truth of myself. That right there is a great way for me. It keeps me grounded and provides more opportunity to give and receive peace.

4 thoughts on “The Identity Dissolve

  1. Thank you for this post! Your description of the physical symptoms of mental anguish is very helpful. I guess breaking through to the enlightenment and peace has the opposite physical benefits. Stay strong brother!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It was just a thought right before seeing your comments that the way I see the life I have now is so beautiful. We have the inevitable hard times for sure but the essence of peace resides. It has been really hard to be me, only I know what that means, but the life now has a different sparkle to it. I hope your road is golden. ✌️

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