It’s Never A Present Contentment, Is It?
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Category: anxiety
Are You One Or Two?
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In Attendance
It goes against the very grain of me to live in the Now. How often it has been throughout my life to go off into a time that only exists within my head; in memories of another now. The times when I had or went without. Times when things were not as good, or maybe better. Forgetting and most times ignoring those past times as … Continue reading In Attendance
My Personal Observed Digest
Life is actually designed to challenge us; to work against us. It is not designed to work with us. We experience a bad situation (financial, relational, etc.), resolve or overcome it, and another one soon arises. When we expect life to work in our favor we experience pain and unhappiness. It’s a delusion to think that the world will do good for us if we … Continue reading My Personal Observed Digest
Knowing The Difference
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As It Is
Observation is a beautiful tool that I have been using as far back as I can remember. The world was so awesome when I was a child. I remember spending much of my time alone while exploring the safe neighborhood on the outskirts of the city. My grandparent’s home was on a street serving in part of the framing of a friendly community. All neighbors … Continue reading As It Is
Quiddity
The beginning of a transformative way of observation has been leeching. It is something that has latched onto my thinking mind and is slowly becoming the new normal. I took a long bike ride through the city yesterday evening. The five o’clock hour marked the beginning of a nine day vacation from the employer. It is always a freeing experience to ride for me, as … Continue reading Quiddity
In Between Spaces
There are small gaps in between these words and sentences, much like the spaces in between the thoughts behind them. When I began to write this morning, it occurred to me that my mind has been going through many changes throughout a somewhat short period of time. Several weeks has been an awakening of sorts. I’ve really noticed just how my little mind constantly speaks, … Continue reading In Between Spaces
It Cannot Be Unseen
Drifting off into a memory from the childhood–a simple memory that seems to stick with me throughout the years–took me by surprise Friday evening. I was probably no more than three at the time. It was definitely a clear, sunny day with plenty of lush greenery; spring or summer in the early Eighties. I witnessed a young man with a boombox on his shoulder, with … Continue reading It Cannot Be Unseen
What Is The Source Of Satisfaction?
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Yes, That Guy Again, But Why?
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Form
A collection of who I am is what I saw as I looked over many of the writings on the site. My blog fist began because of a desire to project my unique experiences into the world with hopes that someone, somewhere, would see their life in a different way. The ability to think about our personal lives–what we experience and how we process the … Continue reading Form
We Think
The UPS man and I had a conversation yesterday about the negative people of the world. There are two individuals of whom we are both acquainted with that absolutely will suck the life from you, if you allow it. He had made a comment to me at one point that I really had trouble accepting. He said that he enjoys talking to me, and that … Continue reading We Think
I.D.
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Restricts
Today has been a strange one. My family and I had a good evening around the fire in our backyard last night. Our oldest boy, only fifteen, has an understanding of society that is beyond anything my wife or I had known at his age. He and I had a discussion about the control that people have come to accept, and even love. The discussion … Continue reading Restricts
Social Distortion
I’m not sure why so many people these days are taking things to extremes, such as their religious beliefs, political views and opinions. I am not very happy with social media. It seems as though I only hold onto it for the sake of my family. It’s a nice way to stay connected to people who, unfortunately in most cases, have forgotten how to knock … Continue reading Social Distortion
More Distractions
This quiet home on a Saturday morning is a marvelous thing. My wife was on her way home from her shift at the hospital while the kids were away at their grandparent’s place. I had just sat down to the first sip of coffee as I listened to the low hums of my surroundings. Birds were mostly silent as they hunkered in their hidings. It … Continue reading More Distractions
Considered
Perspective is so distorted by an individual’s fear, I am finding. For a great majority of my own life, fear played a huge part. It was always there. It had its say no matter what aspect or time period of my youth had manifested. These times are remembered with great vividness. Fortunately, there is a contrast now that looks nothing like those old days. I … Continue reading Considered
Fraidy Cat
As I watch the world pass by, I wonder why people are so afraid of themselves? I’ve been hung up on this “pride” thing, lately. After recently writing posts relating to the pride we all possess, I have been going over the topic in my head all week. I keep coming back to this question of why most people appear to be insecure and afraid … Continue reading Fraidy Cat
In A Day
Maybe I’m not as paranoid as others feel the need to be? Do they need to feel paranoia? I sometimes wonder if a vast majority of the world thrives upon this delusion while traveling forward into the unknown; taking each setback and inevitable trial as a “told you so“ when the downfall does unfold. Is the world conditioned to fear? Is the fear only fueled … Continue reading In A Day
Emptied
Silence is best at times. I haven’t been writing as much. The life outside of a small screen has had so much to show me. Recent times have brought about a calling to see just how quiet I can become. Is it what they call, “zen?” I’d say so. My wife and I just took a very long drive through three states, admiring the natural … Continue reading Emptied
Theo And Benny
Take a few minutes… https://www.cbsnews.com/news/utah-boy-halloween-skeleton-best-friend/ It is a nice story in these current times. I believe Theo has his priorities in perfect order; a two year old boy has more sense than a lot of the adults that are roaming the planet right now. I did my usual surf of the newsfeed this morning after opening my search engine. The nearing presidency is taking up … Continue reading Theo And Benny
Bad News And Blunder
The past few days have been comical. Although some of the content of my recent days has not been anything to laugh at, the unbelievable works of people involved in that content has me shaking my head. I have (very lightly) been following the political banter and I am amazed of just how ridiculous a fly on someone’s head has become. The, not even funny … Continue reading Bad News And Blunder
The Rushed Descent
I watched the beautiful sun setting yesterday evening, and something occurred to me. It’s been a rough season for me personally. Outside of the pandemic and all of its trace consequences, I’ve had quite a bit of distress of my own. This virus crap is minimal within my worries. I believe death is not only inevitable but it is also something that we cannot focus … Continue reading The Rushed Descent
Tuned
I am sitting this morning and noticing the aches within my body. It’s early, and the day ahead will bring much more of the reason for my physical soreness. Being a laborer five days a week, as well as usually wearing myself out at least one of the days of the weekend, has a way of physically breaking me down. This morning, the majority of … Continue reading Tuned
Now
So much sadness fills the hearts of people. No time for the fruits of His Spirit. You know, love, joy, peace, and so on. The opposing is rather forceful, it seems. The demons we possess–both past, present, and anticipated future–contaminate the light, pulling us into those places that no longer exist… Just in our heads. The heart aligns with those places. The opposing is familiar. … Continue reading Now
Bitching:
There’s really no other word for it. A woman in front of me is sticking her neck out and complaining to a stranger about her new car having a defect of some sort, as the man behind me is cussing his way through complaining about the line we are all standing in. We are at the BMV. There are a number of people—over twenty of … Continue reading Bitching:
Change
Before light, my mother would wake me on school days. After the alarm wouldn’t manage to budge me from my coma, due to the evening of drugs and alcohol the night before, her persistent voice would fill my room. I recall the usual routine of sitting at the sofa with the candy dish that I used as an ashtray, while flicking my ashes from the … Continue reading Change
Harassments
Out of all the things there are to focus on, people gladly choose the hell of the world. A man whom I have worked with for many years is really showing his true self lately. Every single workday I can hear his troubled voice, backed with his boisterous theories, spreading the negative to others. Twenty, thirty, or possibly even more minutes are spent on his … Continue reading Harassments
The Value Of Sunny Days
Checking the weather forecast is certainly something I take for granted. To see beautiful, sunny days with given percentage chances, on the news or an app, is a marvelous thing! When I see little symbols that show a sun, or a sun with a few clouds surrounding it, my life changes!! Just being lighthearted. In all seriousness, I truly do love a sunny day in … Continue reading The Value Of Sunny Days
Monday
There used to be a few people in my life that would do everything within their power to bring others around them down. Unbeknownst, these individuals had a poor grip on their own reality. With every miserable breath they took, the misery was exhaled. It was so sad to watch. What was even worse was the willingness I had to allow their sadness to rub … Continue reading Monday
Polychrome
Created are the atrocities Inventions of the mind Beyond our control Within check at times Practices can manage Chemicals may heed Chemistry is a riddle Understanding is the need Past will perform Vivid stage play in memory Present screen play in monochrome Flushed by what used to be Instability is the writing on their paper See how it will go… Take two, then come back … Continue reading Polychrome
The Clenching
How truly hard it is to genuinely be a kind man. I work with a mix of personalities, mostly men. Being a full-time worker, I end up spending more time with them than I do my own family. It is sometimes very hard to not focus upon errors that occur. Our jobs are intricate, and they are expected to be conducted in a harmonious manor … Continue reading The Clenching
Returning
The body cannot keep up with the mind. Heart races when anxiety thinks it is time. Topics of old peel scabs that took years to find. We count facial lines. Time took away the agility we took for granted. The youth and avant-garde–once graciously handed. Aged like the wine, yesterday, now demanded. Discomforts–mine, yours–leave us enchanted. Shouldn’t we dwell upon such things as … Continue reading Returning
Fell Off The Wagon…Again
I’ve been practicing an old habit in recent weeks. Habits. They form. After trying something initially, and unknown desire drives our diversely-structured brains to feed upon it. To continue. Some of them are beneficial, while others are not so good. In my particular case, a habit that I once held closely with a firm grip, slowly reared its destructive head within the last few weeks. … Continue reading Fell Off The Wagon…Again
Observing
How other people view us, really, isn’t relevant. It seems as though the last several years have brought a focus that wasn’t as prominent as it had been in years past. Popularity of social media, the lax commutations we have adapted, such as texting, tweeting and so on (anything one can identify as means), has really changed society in negative ways. With it all, a … Continue reading Observing
Hinder House
Locked away, the man sat with only his thoughts. He ate from the cans he’d packed away, counting down–each bite, each number from the label. The water he’d rationed spilled to the floor in his fit of anger. A candle–dimming, much like his soul–burned away in the corner of his space…. Alone. He spoke to the angels that would visit him. They spoke in ways … Continue reading Hinder House
Exposed
What I’ve seen within the past few weeks is the true colors of our race. Some are flaunting what they have acquired, while others give freely, with grace. Many are panicked, pushy and unfair. A few are courteous, and they genuinely care. Troves are ungrateful, even though the money still comes… They never notice the unemployed–their daughters and sons. Chaos created by a … Continue reading Exposed
Rise
I think I’ll look for peace today. Not worrying about the panic and the current, stressful way. I think I’ll enjoy the songs of the birds outside my door, and see the beauty in someone that I’ve never seen before. Maybe I’ll catch the sunrise as I’m heading towards the east– capturing the calm that, for a time, had sadly ceased. I think I’ll look … Continue reading Rise
NOOOO!!!!
Please, add some depression to our depression! By all means, make the voice of the media your new obsession! Open your mouth as quickly as they! Turn off your own thoughts and listen to what they say! Think on their fearmongering words while running for cover! Suffer even more as the anxieties hover! Tell myself and others so we, too, are distraught! Destroy the peace … Continue reading NOOOO!!!!
Fast-Forward
Whatever happened to scabbed elbows? Dirty knees? Jumping into lakes and climbing trees? The call of the mother from the front porch swing? A half a dozen kids all playing the same thing? What happened to Fireflies gathered together in jars? A friend of a friend who was a friend of ours? What happened to the youth that remained the same for so long? Back … Continue reading Fast-Forward
Wilted Woes
Spring is returning. The budding life — for a time, lying dormant — is rejoining the world. The sun creeps to its higher position, forcing the land to transitions. The voice of bashful life is practicing new song… And, for me, the dormancy remains. Why is it not as rejuvenating as the last spring? Is it the load that has been carried since the … Continue reading Wilted Woes
That’s Just You
Perhaps I’m a self-centered prick? Saying and doing the things that make others sick. Perhaps I’m a little bit fed up? Willing to stay within the rut. Maybe I’m a little unkind? Repulsed by the attitudes that I find. Am I a terrible man? It seems that only a few are a fan. Perhaps I’m a kindhearted guy? I just have trouble getting … Continue reading That’s Just You
Inside Out
Everybody hurts. This I know. I’m hurting lately. This face does show. Not entertained. Temper is short. People are annoying. Emotions contort. Tired of religion. Fed up with the Church. I’m looking for Him. Worn out from the search. Routine is redundant. Weather does suck. Sunsets aren’t peaceful. Down on my luck. Real talk this morning. Don’t need your prayer. It helps to write. Don’t … Continue reading Inside Out
Feeling Like Doo-Doo
Today, thanks to the spreading of germs, I am sick. Ugh. I didn’t sleep well, have a fever and the beginnings of congestion in my head. I’m not sure what my stomach is planning on doing? Overall, I feel like doing nothing but typing out a few things, lying in my recliner and sipping some coffee. We all have gotten sick at one point or … Continue reading Feeling Like Doo-Doo
Perfectly Imbalanced
At 3 a.m., I sit and truly wonder why I do some of the things that I do. After a long work week, and after only about four hours of sleep last night, I woke to begin enjoying the rest. Weekends are my time to reset, refuel and actually be okay with not staying busy. Being “okay” with the rest is something that took a … Continue reading Perfectly Imbalanced
Descension
Anxiety stricken Beating heart On the verge of falling apart Nerves are shot Sweats and shakes Clinching this disaster as the still ground quakes Try to breathe Close my eyes Nothing works and it’s no surprise Everyone wonders why I’m exhausted now They offer advice but they don’t know how Ease today Doc pushed the pill Come back next month for another bill Pill wouldn’t … Continue reading Descension
Gone Fishing
I figured I’d write how I honestly feel, as writing has become how I personally deal. Inevitable sins in which I commit, accompanied by sadness and true feelings of s?@t. Throw in mental problems that I’ve battled so long and receive the pure dread of hell when I’m gone. Church screwed up my head and pride of the men who claimed they were “called” brought … Continue reading Gone Fishing
I Can’t Stop Sinning. Please Help!
I Sometimes Wonder…
What makes us who we are? Is it the outward appearance? Is it the display for the rest — varying in ways that are specifically crafted for each one we meet? Is it the talk and the walk — the good show we can knock out of the park? Is it the experience? The knocks? The comforts of love found within the moments of … Continue reading I Sometimes Wonder…
